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One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0. 0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy. ”

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Funny joke # 6861

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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Funny joke # 111

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the

door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in

the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks,

and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?"

says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes

downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the

door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realise the man was

drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man

and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what

happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way

to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on

that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened

if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband. "It doesn't matter,"

says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian

thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes

downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the

stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and

he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are

you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

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Funny joke # 6994

Confucius say, "Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk."

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Funny joke # 65653

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stands up and offers 'If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy.'

'No,' Clinton says, 'That would be an ACCIDENT.'

A girl raises her hand. 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not,' explains Clinton.

'That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.'

The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.

'What?' asks Clinton, 'Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: 'If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy.'

'Wonderful!' Clinton beams. 'Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?'

'Well,' says the boy, 'because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would not be a great loss!'

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Funny joke # 15544

A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,

shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."

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Funny joke # 29258

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