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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: ”You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

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Joke #111 posted in the category: Jokes about animals.

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, ”That was a karate chop from Korea.” The little guy thinks ”GEEZ,” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, ”That was a judo chop from Japan.” So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!” -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, ”When he gets up, tell him that’s a crowbar from Sears.

-857+

Joke #6860 posted in the category: Funny jokes about bar, beer and booze.

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0. 0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, ”Tonight I’m the designated decoy. ”

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Joke #6861 posted in the category: Funniest Bar, Beer and Booze jokes.

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the

door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in

the morning. ”I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks,

and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. ”Aren’t you going to answer that?”

says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes

downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the

door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realise the man was

drunk.

”Hi there,” slurs the stranger, ”Can you give me a push??”

”No, get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed.” says the man

and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what

happened and she says, ”Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way

to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on

that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened

if he’d told us to get lost??”

”But the guy was drunk.” says the husband. ”It doesn’t matter,”

says the wife. ”He needs our help and it would be the Christian

thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes

downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the

stranger anywhere he shouts: ”Hey, do you still want a push??” and

he hears a voice cry out ”Yeah please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: ”Where are

you?” And the stranger replies: ”I’m over here, on your swing.”

-339+

Joke #6994 posted in the category: Bar, Beer and Booze jokes.

Confucius say, ”Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk.”

-330+

Joke #65653 posted in the category: Funny miscellaneous jokes.

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