A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
”Hit him again,” the 5-year-old said. ”He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!”
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. ”So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.
”It’s pretty nice,” she replies. ”Except they won’t let you fart.”
The Kiddie Pick
When you’re by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into
your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is,
there’s no time limit!
Camouflaged Kiddie Pick
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a
tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
Fake Nose Scratch
When you make believe you’ve got an itch but you’re really trolling the
nostril edge for stray boogers.
Making A Meal Out Of It
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you’re probably entitled to
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and
you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
The kind you do in a car, when no one’s looking.
Pick Your Brains
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it
passes the septum.
Pick And Save
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then
you pocket the snot so they don’t catch on to what you did.
Pick And Roll
No explanation needed.
Pick And Flick
Pick And Stick
You wanted it to be a ”Pick and Flick,” but it stubbornly clings to your
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your
breathing by 90%.
A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid’s little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically.
The young man gives her a stern look and say, ”You shouldn’t laugh, it’s been swollen like that for two weeks now!”