A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in
the morning. ”I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks,
and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. ”Aren’t you going to answer that?”
says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes
downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the
door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realise the man was
”Hi there,” slurs the stranger, ”Can you give me a push??”
”No, get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed.” says the man
and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what
happened and she says, ”Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way
to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on
that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened
if he’d told us to get lost??”
”But the guy was drunk.” says the husband. ”It doesn’t matter,”
says the wife. ”He needs our help and it would be the Christian
thing to help him.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes
downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the
stranger anywhere he shouts: ”Hey, do you still want a push??” and
he hears a voice cry out ”Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: ”Where are
you?” And the stranger replies: ”I’m over here, on your swing.”
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, ”You look terrible.
What’s the problem?”
”My mother died in June,” he said, ”and left me $10, 000.”
”Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.
”Then in July,” the friend continued, ”My father died, leaving me $50, 000.”
”Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
”And last month my aunt died, and left me $15, 000.”
”Three close family members lost in three months?
”Then this month,” continued, the friend, ”nothing!”
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, ”Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, ”Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink.”
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, ”You think that’s great? Where I come from in Dublin, there’s this place called Murphy’s. At Murphy’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”
”Wow!” say the other two. ”That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”
”No,” replies the Irish guy, ”but it happened to me sister!”