A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: ”You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
The Dog’s Diary
8: 00 am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9: 30 am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9: 40 am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10: 30 am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12: 00 pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1: 00 pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3: 00 pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5: 00 pm Dinner! My favorite thing!
7: 00 pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8: 00 pm Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11: 00 pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat’s Diary:
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ”good little hunter” I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ”allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe... for now.
Late one night, a burgler broke into a house. As he tiptoed through the living room, he heard a voice say: ”Jesus is watching you!”
Nothing happened, so the burgler crept forward again. ”Jesus is watching you” - said the voice.
The burgler stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around. In a dark corner he spotted a bird cage with a parrot in it.
”Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked.
”Yes” said the parrot.
The burgler breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, ”What’s your name?”
”Clarence” answered the bird. ”That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burgler. ”What idiot named you Clarence?”
The parrot’s answer: ”The same idiot who named the Bulldog, Jesus.”