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(Classical music: ) This is our answering machine.

(Classical music: ) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket: ) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence... ) Any message?

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Joke #26184 posted in the category: Funniest Driving Jokes, Funniest Miscellaneous Jokes, Machines jokes, Funny jokes about answering machine messages.



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The Pain Machine

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and

the doctor told them that he had developed an experimental machine

and asked if they would like to try it out. He explained carefully

that the machine could

take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it

to the father. Both the mother and father thought that this was

a wonderful idea and decided to give it a try. The doctor set

the knob at 10 percent for starters, explaining to the man that

10 percent was probably more pain than he ever experienced. But,

the man was surprised at how little pain he felt and asked the

doctor to turn it up a notch. The doctor turned the knob up to

20 percent and checked the husband’s blood pressure, which was

fine. Amazed, the doctor turned the knob up again to 50 percent.

Still feeling nothing, the husband encouraged the doctor to give

him ALL the pain. Again dumbfounded, the doctor increased the

load to 100 PERCENT! After his wife had given birth, the man stood

up, stretched a little and

helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine. When

they got home, they found the postman dead on the door step.

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Joke #26185 posted in the category: Jokes about driving, Funny machines jokes.

Answering machine messages

1. ’My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished’.

2. ’Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone now because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message and when we’re done brushing our teeth we’ll get back to you’.

3. ’A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message’.

4. ’Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money’.

5. ’Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and used by us’.

6. ’Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a mesage, and if I don’t call back, it’s you’.

7. ’Hi. Now you say something’.

8. ’Hello. I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?’

9. ’Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is the Refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets’.

10. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need tiles, windows or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charities through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you’.

11. ’This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you and I’ll think about returning your call’.

12. (In a bored voice) ’Heaven, God speaking...’

13. ’Greetings, you have reached the 6th Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up’.

14. ’Hi. This is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and wait by your phone until I call you back’.

15. ’If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t at home and it’s safe to leave us a message’.

16. ’This is the Devil. Who in Hell do you want?

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Joke #26186 posted in the category: Jokes about driving, Funny machine jokes.

Washing Machine

MAN DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va.

A 39-year-old Charlottesville Man died Thursday in a freak accident involving his washing machine.

According to police reports, Samuel Randolph Strickson was doing laundry when he tried to speed up the process. Strickson apparently tried to stuff approximately 50 pounds of laundry into his washing machine by climbing on top of the washer and attempting to force the clothing into the basin. Strickson then apparently accidentally kicked the washing machine’s ON button. When the machine turned on, Strickson lost his balance and both feet went down into the machine, where they got stuck.

The machine started its cycle, and Strickson, unable to free himself, started thrashing around as the machine’s agitator went into gear. Strickson’s head banged against a nearby shelf in the laundry room, knocking over a bottle of bleach, which poured over Strickson’s face, blinding him.

Forensic reports say Strickson apparently also swallowed some of The bleach. He then vomited, but was still unable to free himself.

Strickson’s dog, then apparently came into the laundry room. At about the same time, according to police, a large box of baking soda fell from the shelf, startling the dog, who then urinated.

Urine, like vinegar, is acidic, and the chemical reaction between the urine and the baking soda resulted in ”a small explosion,” according to police reports. The dog, however, escaped unharmed.

Strickson remained stuck in the washing machine, which eventually went into its high-speed spin cycle, spinning Strickson around at about 70 miles per hour, according to forensic experts. Strickson’s head then smashed against a steel beam behind the washing machine, immediately killing him.

A neighbor heard the commotion and called 911, but Strickson was pronounced dead at the scene.

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Joke #26187 posted in the category: Hilarious Driving jokes, Funniest Machine jokes.

1. My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message.

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

4. Hi. Now you say something.

5. Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?

7. Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a ”sexy” message, I’ll call sooner!

8. Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I’ll think about returning your call.

11. Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

12. Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

13. If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now or carving up a steak for the pit bull and the rottweiller, and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t at home and it’s safe to leave a message.

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to, remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

15. Hello, you’ve reached Paul and Molly. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Molly likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... really slowly. So leave a message; and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll get back to you.

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Joke #26188 posted in the category: Driving jokes, Jokes about machine.

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