If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to answer it, was there really a phone call? Help me investigate this phenomenon by leaving your name and number after the tone.-0+
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know. FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb. LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to ’fast wipe’ whenever you leave your car parked illegally. NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off. SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.-0+
The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole, knocking it over.
Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness and not the driver who had ran off.
”Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?” , inquired the officer thinking he must have been in the driver as he looked so shaken.
”Officer I’m a witness, I tell you!” , exclaimed the telephone lineman, ”I was at the top of the f#cken pole!!!”
A telphone man joined the Army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried to find out why.
”What’s the matter with you?” asked the DI. ”Why can’t you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?”
”I was a telephone man,” replied the new recruit, ”and I don’t know why I can’t hit the target. Let me see...”
The telephone man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off!
”Well,” the phone man said, writhing in pain, ”the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!”
Bruce Stein on the Line
Answering machines. Nowadays almost everyone has one, complete with a snappy message of their own device. Wait for the BEEP and then read on. This is a short adaptation of Simon Butler-White’s and Clive Archer’s ”could-be” phone messages released in Australian Cleo, August 1989. (Some of them are bit old, Maggie ain’t prime minister of the UK, and Kylie Minogue isn’t seeing Jason Donovan anymore, but you’ll get the meaning anyway, I’m sure).
John McEnroe, Tennis Mouth
You dummy! You’ve called while I’m OUT! Five minutes You’ve missed me by AT LEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can’t you get anything right? You people make me sick! Leave a message and I’ll call you back! BEEP.
Sarah Ferguson, Another Royal
(Giggle) Hello, this is Fergie... er (sound of hand being placed over receiver and a loud whisper). Andrew! What’s that title again? What? Oh hello, this is the Duchess of York. The Duke and I are out skiing, so when you hear the jolly old pip pip, leave your message and we’ll give you a tinkle when we get back--in November. BEEP.
Elvis Presley, Corpse
Hi. I can’t come to the phone right now. Actually I can’t do much of anything right now because I’ve been dead since 1977. But my spirit lives on and if you’d like to leave your name and number, I’ll try to contact you via ouija board, Madame Zenda or garbled tape recording. This is also the number of John F. Kennedy, Adolf Hitler, Harold Holt, Lucille Ball, Roy Orbison... BEEP.
Mikhail Gorbachev, Commie Birthmark
Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the persona and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People’s Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike. BEEP.
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Thespian
Gutten day to you. Here I’m being on ze set of mein latest moofie. Eet’s the latest moofie in mein strings of mega-hits. First zere was za Terminator, zen zere was za Predator... zis one’s called za Laminator. Eet’s about zis handyman on a mission. Eet’s drama. Very funny stuff. You’ll chust luff it. I know you vill. Leaf a messich after za BEEP. Don’t say you can’t. Ve haf vays off making you talk, you know. BEEP.
Margaret Thatcher, Iron Woman
You have reached the residence of the Prime Minister at No. 10 Downing Street. When you hear the beep, sit up straight, speak clearly and distinctly and STOP doodling when you’re talking to me! And Dennis, if that’s you, how many time have I told you abut staying at the club after 9. 30? We’ve been a very naughty boy, haven’t we? BEEP.
Kylie Minogue, Singing Budgie
Gee, hi, um, I’m unable to come to the phone right now cos I’m making a movie, or a video, or a new album or something, but I’ll get back to you next time I’m in Australia. and if that’s you Jason, I stick by what I said last night: You wear your underwear and I’ll wear mine. BEEP.
The Pope, Spiritual Leader
Bless you my child. This is John Paul Ringo... heh heh, I tell a liddle Beatles choke, yes? I’m out kissing airport runways (hey, so would you if you flew Boeing) and am unable to pontificate at present. Please leave your name and number when you hear the amen and I’ll get back to you, God willing. BEEP.