Jesse Jackson Died And Went To Heaven. But When He Got To The Pearly Gates, St. Peter Wouldn’t Let Him In.
”we’re Getting Pretty Crowded Up Here,” Said St. Peter. ”we’re Only Letting People In That Have Done Something Special. Have You?”
”well,” Said Jesse, ”i Was A Minister And I Preached The Gospel.”
”sorry,” Said St. Peter, ”ministers Are A Dime A Dozen Up Here. Anything Else?”
”i Was A Civil Rights Leader,” Said Jesse.
”not Good Enough,” Said St. Peter. ”we’ve Already Got Martin Luther King.”
jesse Thought For A Minute And Then Said, ”i Was Elected The First Black President Of The United States.”
”that Is Impressive,” Said St. Peter. ”when Did This Happen?”
”about Five Minutes Ago.”
Bill Clinton and Jesse Jackson were at the gym and they were in the shower and Bill
noticed how big Jesse was. So Bill asked and Jesse replied ”Every night I get it and hit it
against the bed post 3 times.” Bill was excited and got home and Hillary was already asleep.
So Bill tried and hit his slong 3 times and Hillary woke up and said ”Jesse, is that
As she lay back her muscles tightened. She put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refused to be swayed as he approached her. He asked if she was afraid and she shook her head bravely. He has had more experience,
but it’s the first time his fingers have found the right place.
He probed deeply and she shivered; her body tensed; but he was gentle like he promised he’d be.
He looked deeply within her eyes and told her to trust him-he’s done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxed her and she opened wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. She began to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly took his time, wanting to cause her as little pain as possible. As he pressed
closer, going deeper, she felt the tissue give way; pain surging throughout her body and she felt the slight trickle of blood as he continued. He looked at her concerned and asked if it’s too painful. Her eyes were filled with tears but she shook her head and nodded for him to go on. He began going in and out with skill but she was too numb to feel him within her.
After a few moments, she felt something bursting within her and he pulled it out of her, she lay panting, glad to have it over. He looked at her and smiling warmly, told her, with a chuckle; that she had been his most stubborn
yet most rewarding experience.
She smiled and thanked the dentist. After all, it was Jessica Alba’s first time to have a tooth pulled.
Excuse me, What were you thinkin’?
If you were wondering how many members of the Republican Party does it take to replace a light bulb, we have te answer for you right here:
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed,
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed,
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb,
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness,
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb,
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner ”Bulb Accomplished,”
7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally ”in the dark” the whole time,
8. One to viciously smear #7,
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how John McCain has had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along,
10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
And after all is said and done, no one will notice that they never actually managed to change the light bulb.
Early one morning during the Presidential Campaign, JohnMcCainheard a knock on his front door. He opened the door to find a high-school-age girl wearing a ”Vote for McCain” t-shirt.
”I saw you on TV last night, debating with the other candidates,” she said.
McCain nodded. ”The other candidates say I’m too old,” he said. ”They say I’m losing my memory and that I won’t be able to remember the names of foreign leaders if I’m elected. But I’m going to prove them wrong.”
”Good,” said the girl.
”Now tell me, young lady,” said McCain, ”what is your name?”
The girl looked confused. ”It’s ME, Grandpa.”
This week, at aMcCainrally, conservative Bill Cunningham used Barack Obama’s middle name, calling him ”Barack Hussein Obama.” McCaincriticized Cunningham and publicly apologized for the use of Obama’s middle name. To conservatives, it is a mystery why Cunningham’s remark warranted an apology. But then John HitlerMcCainis a mysterious man.
One night, after a televised debate, JohnMcCainandBarack Obamaran into each other backstage.
”You know, John,” said Obama, ”out there in the debates you and I are damaging each other’s reputation. Why don’t we settle this contest like men? You and I will have our own private competition, and then whoever loses will endorse the other candidate.”
”What type of competition do you have in mind?” asked McCain.
”A game of basketball,” said Obama.
”No way,” saidMcCainwith a grin. ”You’re a foot taller than me - it wouldn’t be fair.”
”O. K. ,” said Obama. ”Then how about a foot race?”
”No, that’s not fair either,” said McCain. ”I’m twenty years older than you, and I don’t have much endurance left.”
”Well what would you propose?” asked Obama.
”How about a speed-talking contest?” said McCain. ”We’ll both be given a speech, and whoever reads it fastest wins.”
”No, that’s not fair to me,” said Obama. ”I can only talk out of one side of my mouth.”