This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour - and made the Web department take it down immediately.
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_]Comrade [_] Classified [_] Presidente [_] Other
First Name: ...................................................
Last Name: .....................................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name: .....................................................
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20---. /....... /......
4. Serial Number: ...............................................
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / all
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
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[_] Communist / Socialist
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[_] Deficit spending
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[_] Credit card
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12. Your occupation:
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13. To help us understand our customers’ lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
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Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Military Aerospace Division
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One day two drinking buddies Jim and David were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up âMan I really need a drink! â in response David replied, âYou know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk. â âReally? â said Jim âThatâs what I heard man. Do you wanna try it? â Said David âSure, hell Iâll try anything once! â Said Jim. SO with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. so they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up wet to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadnât felt this good in years. âWow!! â He said. About that time his telephone rang. âHello? â Jim Said âHello Jim? Came the reply âThis is David man. How are you feeling this morning? â Jim said âMan I feel great no hang over not sick man I feel like a million bucks. How about you? â David repliedâ Me too man, but I have one question for you. â Jim said, âSure man what is itâ âHave you farted yet man? â Jim said âUmmmmm No. Why? â âMan donât. Iâm in Phoenix! â.-0+
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.
4. It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A ’good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ’great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. 14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience
usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much
22. Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to appeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
”This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35, 000 feet midway across the Atlantic.” If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.” If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.” If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.” That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!”-0+
While cruising at 36, 000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.” Oh no!” he screamed, ”One of the engines just blew up!” Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. ”Say,” spoke up an alert passenger, ”Aren’t those parachutes?” The pilot confirmed that they were. The passenger went on, ”But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?” ”There isn’t,” replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. ”We`re going to get help.”-0+