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We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

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Joke #18137 posted in the category: Funny jokes about computer and technology, Funniest Driving Jokes, Funniest Miscellaneous Jokes, Funniest Microsoft Jokes, Funny jokes about bumper sticker, Funny jokes about one liner.



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[Ed: From around the time of the MS Windows Delays ]
Why did Microsoft hire Gary Hart to announce their delivery schedules?
To improve their credibility.

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Joke #18138 posted in the category: Funniest Computer and Technology jokes, Jokes about famous people, Jokes about Microsoft, Jokes about Bill Gates.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT’S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to

accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not

give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an

infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others

smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how

good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.

Set the oven using these keystrokes:

mstv. dinn. //08. 5min@50%heat

Then enter:

ms//start. cook_dindin/yummy |/yum~yum: -)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press

start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the

ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of

the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The

oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to

your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your

oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the

dinner from the oven and enter:

ms. nodamn. good/tryagain again/again. crap

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave

and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn’t work, contact your

oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger

than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of

which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too

large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the

chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,

call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don’t want

another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of

their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger

family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must

be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after ’98. However,

that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get

thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the

freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature,

not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

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Joke #18139 posted in the category: Hilarious Computer and Technology jokes, Hilarious Food jokes, Hilarious Miscellaneous jokes, Hilarious Microsoft jokes, Hilarious Crazy jokes.

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Windows 95 for my PC

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 6 ints conflictin’, 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 7 files missin’, 6 ints conflictin’, 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 8 Megs overflowin’, 7 files missin’, 6 ints conflictin’, 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 9 apps a crashin’, 8 Megs overflowin’, 7 files missin’, 6 ints conflictin’, 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin’, 8 Megs overflowin’, 7 files missin’, 6 ints conflictin’, 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 11 instructions faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin’, 8 Megs overflowin’, 7 files missin’, 6 ints conflictin’, 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 12 sound cards silent, 11 instructions faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin’, 8 Megs overflowin’, 7 files missin’, 6 ints conflictin’, 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC!

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Joke #18140 posted in the category: Jokes about computer and technology, Hilarious Holiday and Special Days jokes, Hilarious Microsoft jokes, Hilarious Christmas jokes, Hilarious Holiday jokes.

NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa’s summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh. The announcement also included a notice that beginning December 9, 1997, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to ”all who have made Christmas great,” and vowed to ”make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all.” It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict. When asked ”Why buy Christmas?” Bill Gates replied ”Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We`ll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 98.” In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 97 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal. Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, ”The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don’t expect any changes this year.” She continued, ”our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 98. It will be bigger and better than last year.” She further elaborated that ”Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[98] as early as November first.” Christmas 97 is scheduled for release in December of 1997, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1998. An economist at Goldman-Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year’s economy and the nation’s tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. ”But it could be good in the long term,” he explained. ”With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year.” When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that ”Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business,” suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans. Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was ”sizable, even for a man of Santa’s stature.” Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year `round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond. A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.

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Joke #18141 posted in the category: Funniest Computer and Technology jokes, Hilarious Holiday and Special Days jokes, Hilarious Microsoft jokes, Hilarious Christmas jokes.

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