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Abraham Lincoln jokes


In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was named Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, ”Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, ”How, dear?” And Dot replied, ”I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and the goods can be delivered by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were a wondrous happening. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. He was called a Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominant Siderite, or NERD for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, ”Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known ”eBay” he said, ”We need a name that reflects what we are.”

And Dot replied, ”Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”

”YAHOO,” said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.

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Joke #14951 posted in the category: Abraham Lincoln jokes.

The real reason Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves is that

he thought it would be good for basketball.

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Joke #22628 posted in the category: Abraham Lincoln jokes.

Father: ”Son, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 12 miles to school.”

Son: ”Dad, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President.”

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Joke #28845 posted in the category: Abraham Lincoln jokes.

Bill Clinton went jogging one evening and came upon the Washington Monument.

He said, ”George, what should I do?”

After a few seconds, George replied,

”Abolish the IRS and start over.”

Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped there. He said, ”Tom, what should I do?”

After a few seconds, Tom replied,

”Abolish welfare and start over.”

Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, ”Abe, what should I do?”

After a few seconds, Abe replied,

”Why don’t you take the night off and go to the theater?”

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Joke #29674 posted in the category: Abraham Lincoln jokes.

What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?

They were all born on holidays.

What type of cake is used for birthday cake in heaven?

Angel food cake.

Did you hear about the maple tree’s birthday?

It was a sappy one!

When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?

They both get sliced.

What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for her birthday?

I don’t know, but you better hope she likes it!

What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday?

”Happy Birthday To Gnu!”

What did the ice cream say to the unhappy cake?

”Hey, what’s eating you?”

What do you give nin-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?

I don’t know, but you’d better hope he likes it!

Why did the wife not put birthday candles on her husband’s birthday cake?

It was not that she did not want to make him feel old, she wanted to save the environment.

What do birthday candles and the Buffalo Bills have in common?

They get blown out on the same day every year.

What did the birthday balloon say to the pin?

”Hi, Buster.”

Why do you put the candles on top the birthday cake?

It’s too hard to put the candles on the bottom.

What birthday party games do rabbits like to play?

Musical Hares

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Joke #29675 posted in the category: Abraham Lincoln jokes.

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