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Adolf Hitler jokes


1. Land War in Asia

2. Changed name from highly catchy ’Schickelgruber’ to boring ’Hitler’

3. Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln

beard to instill trust among subjects

4. Not buying lifts for his shoes

5. Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt

6. Failure to exploit Eva Braun

7. Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy

8. Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi

image

9. Chose ”Deutschland Uber Alles” over ”Let’s All Be There” as party

slogan

10. Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones

11. Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and

stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA

12. Referring to Stalin as ”that old Georgian fat back”

13. Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays

14. Free beer in munitions plants

15. Lisp never corrected

16. Bad toupe

17. Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery

18. Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands

19. Fell asleep in staff meetings

20. Chose Italy as ally

21. Land War in Asia

22. Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line

23. Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics

24. Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked

remarkably like a bullseye from the air

25. Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls

26. Never had fireside mass rallies

27. Told Einstein he had a stupid name

28. Used SS instead of LAPD

29. Admired Napoleon’s strategy

30. Strong fondness for saurkraut and beans made General Staff avoid

him constantly

31. In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U. S. for a

little country place in Hawaii

32. Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with

war advice

33. Major theme in speeches - ”liebensraum, or ”living room” - widely

misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform

34. Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess’s pilot licence.

35. Pissed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics

36. Didn’t put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word

got out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town

in Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P. R. for Der Fuhrer

37. Breast feeding for too long

38. Passed up Finish ”tanks for snowshoes” offer before invasion of

USSR

39. Drank to much at Beer Hall Putsch

40. Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his

own escape.

41. Forgot to write ”Dear Joey” letter to Stalin before invasion of

Poland

42. Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous

invasion of Soviet Union

43. Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberline in power

44. Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the Fjords

45. Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined

credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited

for the punchline)

46. Came off as poor loser when ”Triumph of the Will” failed to win

Oscar for ”best Foreign Documentary” - ”You don’t like me” speech

undermined image.

47. Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had ”Prince Albert in

a can”

48. Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much

embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his

concept of the ”Oberdude”

49. Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U. S. saying,

”The U. S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are

you, a wimp?”

50. Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary

51. Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats

52. Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at

the last second

53. Failed to encourage tourism

54. Being born

55. Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun

56. Alienated Chamberline at Munich by sticking an ”Invade me” sign on

his back

57. Kept Colonel Klink in command

58. Churchill mistakenly thought ”Deutschland Uber Alles” was a veiled

threat

59. Used same astrologer as the Reagans

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Joke #29689 posted in the category: Adolf Hitler jokes.

In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five year old Chuck Norris.

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Joke #29690 posted in the category: Adolf Hitler jokes.

What’s the difference between Adolf Hitler and Michael Phelps?

Michael Phelps finishes a race.

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Joke #29691 posted in the category: Adolf Hitler jokes.

Adolf Hitler is sitting at the end of a bar.

The bartender goes up and says ”excuse me I don’t mean to be rude, but you look like a much older version of Adolf Hitler.”

Hitler says in his thick German accent: ”Vell, I am Hitler. I didn’t die in the war.”

”Wow!” the bartender exclaims. ”What have you been doing for all these years?”

”Vell, if you must know, Ve have been forming zee fourth reiche, und zis time ve are going to kill 30 million Jews und 12 clowns.”

The bartender is confused and says ”why on earth would you want to kill 12 clowns??”

Hitler says ”SEE I TOLD YOU NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE JEWS!”

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Joke #29692 posted in the category: Adolf Hitler jokes.

This freelance journalist discovered Adolf Hitler was alive and well and living in South America. He managed to wrangle a ’once-in-a-lifetime’ interview with Hitler on the condition that he was not to reveal where Hitler was living. He went to this interview, and lo and behold, yes, it was Adolf Hitler, looking very old. He interviewed him, asking him all sorts of questions, and as a final question, asked ”What are you doing now, in the twilight of your life?” Hitler replied ”Hah! Twilight of my life! I’ll have you know that I am secretly putting together the 4th Reich, right here in South America! This time we’ll do it right. We have a foolproof plan - this time we will kill EVERY JEW in the world - and 6 MEXICANS!!!” . The journalist asked ”... but... but.... but why 6 MEXICANS??” Hitler jumped to his feet and yelled ”SEE, I TOLD THEM THAT NO-ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE JEWS!”

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Joke #29693 posted in the category: Adolf Hitler jokes.

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