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Aircraft jokes


A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was ”OCCUPIED”. The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked ”WW, WA, PP and ATR”.

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked ”WW” and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, ”WOW, the women really have it made!” . Still curious, he pressed the button marked ”WA” and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked ”PP” yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn’t resist the last button marked ”ATR”.

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, ”What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!” The nurse replied, ”Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the ”ATR” button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!”

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Joke #6631 posted in the category: Aircraft jokes.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said ”WHERE AM I?” in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said ”YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the ”YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position in Seatle.
The pilot responded ”I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

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Joke #6632 posted in the category: Aircraft jokes.

Every year, parks in London alone are doused in one million gallons

of dog urine.

The germs present in human faeces can pass through up to ten

layers of toilet paper.

The best recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet.

Contrary to popular belief, if you swallow chewing gum it does

not stay in the gut. Usually it will pass through the system and

be excreted without incident. However, several cases have been

reported where the gum has stuck in the rectum, causing the unfortunate

sufferer to excrete long sticky trails of gum, like a pink spider’s

web.

Several well documented instances have been reported of extremely

obese people flushing aircraft toilets whilst still sitting on

them. The vacuum action of these toilets sucked the rectum inside

out.

It is possible to cough your guts up.

If your body’s natural defenses failed, the bacteria in your

gut would consume you within 48 hours, literally eating you from

the inside out.

What is one of the most difficult items for sewage works to handle,

as it is insoluble, yet fine enough to pass through most filtration

systems? (Every month Thames Water removes over a ton of this

substance from its water treatment plants, whereupon it is taken

away to a landfill site and buried - nice job) You guessed it

- pubic hair

Parasites count for 0. 01% of your body weight.

Henry II was murdered by his homosexual lover, who pushed a red

hot poker 0. 5 metres up his rectum.

The longest recorded tapeworm found in the human body was 33

metres in length.

A woman who had recently visited South America, where she had

safaried in local rainforest, began to experience severe pains

in her left ear, accompanied by headaches, dizziness and constant

rustling sounds, at first put down to tinnitis. It became so serious

that exploratory surgery was required, which revealed that a spider

which had become trapped in her ear. Eventually it had eaten through

her eardrum and was living within the aural cavity. The rustling

sounds were from the spider crawling around inside her skull.

An egg sac was also removed

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Joke #6633 posted in the category: Aircraft jokes.

This appeared in the current issue of Australian Aviation Magazine (June 2000? ).....

RULES OF THE AIR

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.

4. It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A ’good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ’great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

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Joke #6634 posted in the category: Aircraft jokes.

This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour - and made the Web department take it down immediately.

Registration Card

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_]Comrade [_] Classified [_] Presidente [_] Other

First Name: ...................................................

Initial: .......

Last Name: .....................................................

Password: .............................. (max 8 char)

Code Name: .....................................................

Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ................................

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat

[_] F-15 Eagle

[_] F-16 Falcon

[_] F-117A Stealth

[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20---. /....... /......

4. Serial Number: ...............................................

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package

[_] Catalog / showroom

[_] Independent arms broker

[_] Mail order

[_] Discount store

[_] Government surplus

[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up

[_] Store display

[_] Espionage

[_] Recommended by friend / relative / all

[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer

[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style / appearance

[_] Speed / maneuverability

[_] Price / value

[_] Comfort / convenience

[_] Kickback / bribe

[_] Recommended by salesperson

[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation

[_] Advanced Weapons Systems

[_] Backroom politics

[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America

[_] Iraq

[_] Central / South America

[_] Aircraft carrier

[_] Iraq

[_] Europe

[_] Middle East (not Iraq)

[_] Iraq

[_] Africa

[_] Asia / Far East

[_] Iraq

[_] Misc. Third World countries

[_] Classified

[_] Iraq

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

[_] Color TV

[_] VCR

[_] ICBM

[_] Killer Satellite

[_] CD Player

[_] Air-to-Air Missiles

[_] Space Shuttle

[_] Home Computer

[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply: )

[_] Communist / Socialist

[_] Terrorist

[_] Crazed

[_] Neutral

[_] Democratic

[_] Dictatorship

[_] Corrupt

[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[_] Deficit spending

[_] Cash

[_] Suitcases of cocaine

[_] Oil revenues

[_] Personal check

[_] Credit card

[_] Ransom money

[_] Traveller’s check

12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker

[_] Sales / marketing

[_] Revolutionary

[_] Clerical

[_] Mercenary

[_] Tyrant

[_] Middle management

[_] Eccentric billionaire

[_] Defense Minister / General

[_] Retired

[_] Student

13. To help us understand our customers’ lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf

[_] Boating / sailing

[_] Sabotage

[_] Running / jogging

[_] Propaganda / misinformation

[_] Destabilization / overthrow

[_] Default on loans

[_] Gardening

[_] Crafts

[_] Black market / smuggling

[_] Collectibles / collections

[_] Watching sports on TV

[_] Wines

[_] Interrogation / torture

[_] Household pets

[_] Crushing rebellions

[_] Espionage / reconnaissance

[_] Fashion clothing

[_] Border disputes

[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION

Marketing Department

Military Aerospace Division

P. O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO

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Joke #6635 posted in the category: Aircraft jokes.

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