A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: ”How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
”Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.
”That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” 15 students raise their hands.
”That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raise their hands.
”That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, ”Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, ”Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a Ghost.”
The student replies, ”Ghost?!? I thought you said ’goats!’ ”
STATE OF ALABAMA
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(Check appropriate box)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
(_) Hair Dresser
Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother’s Name: _______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
Color of teeth:
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)what’s a road?
You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.
It is unlawful to wear women’s pumps with sharp, high heels.
It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)
An Alabama State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-20. He says to the driver, ”Got any ID?” The driver says, ”Bout what?”
Q: Did you hear about the $3, 000, 000 Alabama State Lottery?
A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Q: Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.
Q: Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Birmingham, Alabama burned down?
A: Yep. Pert’ near took out the whole trailer park.
A new law recently passed in Alabama: When a couple gets divorced, they’re still brother and sister.
Q: What’s the best thing to ever come out of Alabama?
A: I-20 and I-10
Two Alabamans are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, ”Hey Tommy Ray, what’cha got in th’ bag?” ”Jus’ some chickens.” ”If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?” ”Shoot, ya guesses right and I’ll give you both of them.” ”OK. Ummmmm... five?”
Q: What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody’s fixin’ to lose them a trailer.
An Alabaman came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, ”Hurry on over here. My house is on fire!” ”OK,” replied the fireman, ”how do we get there?” ”Say, don’t you still have them big red trucks?”
Q: Why do folks in Alabama go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A: ’Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
Are ya Chicken?
A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good Alabama joke.
The bartender says, ”Before you tell it, you should know that I am 6-2 and weigh 225 and I’m from Alabama. See that guy at the end of the bar? He’s 6-4 and weighs 250 and he’s from Alabama, too. And see the guy at the other end of the bar? He’s 6-6 and weighs 280 and he’s from Alabama, too! Now, do you still want to tell your Alabama joke?”
The guy says, ”Nah.”
To which the bartender smiles and says, ”What’s the matter? Are ya chicken?”
The guy says, ”Nah. I just don’t want to have to explain it three times.”
A country bumpkin family from Alabama decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son. They go into the Empire State Building. As they’re walking around they notice the elevator. Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered.
While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes.
The Alabama hick family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again.
The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful!
Paw looks at his son and says, ”Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!!”
Billy Bob and his family moved from Alabama to Maine to so his Paw could find better work picking potatoes. The next day Billy Bob started his first day of kindergarten. When he got home he rushed to tell his Paw, ”Paw, Paw, Teacher ast us to ree-cite the alpherbet today en Ah wuz the onliest one that could!”
His Paw replied ”That’s cuz you’s from Bama, son!”
The next day he came home and told his Paw ”Paw, Paw, Teacher ast us to count as high as we could en Ah counted the highest!”
His Paw replied, ”That’s cuz you’s from Bama, son!”
The next day, he came home and told his Paw ”Paw, Paw, today, when we wuz all in a line, Ah noticed Ah wuz the biggest of all! Ah bet that’s cuz Ah’m from Bama, huh Paw?”
His Paw replied, ”No son, that’s cuz yer 17 years old.”
Two boys are playing football in a vacant lot when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the first little boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar, and twists, breaking the dog’s neck and killing him instantly.
A reporter, who happens to be strolling nearby, sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. ”That was the most incredible act of bravery I’ve ever seen!” the reporter exclaims. He whips out his notebook and furiously scribbles the headline: ”Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal!”
The little hero sees this and says, ”But sir, I’m not a Bama Fan, I’m an Auburn Fan!”
The reporter looks warily at the boy for a moment, then flips the page and begins a new headline: ”Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet”
Question ans answer
Q. Where was OJ headed in the white Bronco
A. To Tuscaloosa... he knew the police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there!
Q. What’s the best road sign in Auburn?
A. Tuscaloosa - 120 miles
A man walks into a store says to the clerk, ”I’d like a pair of red shoes, a white shirt, a pair of red pants, and a pair of white shoes.” The clerk looks at him and shakes his head saying, ”You must be an Alabama fan!” The man proclaims with pride, ”How could you tell, was it the color scheme!” The clerk looks at him and says ”No, this is a hardware store.”
Q. What is the most common line used by an Auburn alum?
A. Would you like fries with that?
Q. Why did they build the Mercedes plant so close to the University of Alabama?
A. Because they have an endless supply of crash test dummies right down the road.
Q. Why is Auburn always in the dark?
A. Because they’re afraid of Alabama Power.
Q. What do you call a genius at Alabama?
Q. Whats the difference between Alabama and cheerios?
A. One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn’t!
Q. What was the last thing David Housel said to Terry Bowden?
A. Don’t let the door knob hit you in the head!
It was recently announced that a franchise was building a new Taco Bell in Tuscaloosa. The University’s response was ”Why do we need another phone company?”
After Bear Bryant dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Bear a little two-bedroom house with a faded Alabama banner hanging from the front porch.
”This is your house, coach,” God says happily.” Most people don’t get their own houses up here.”
Bear looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It’s a huge, beautiful two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Auburn flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Auburn banner hangs between the marble columns.
”Thanks for the house, God,” Bear says. ”But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner and Shug gets a mansion with Auburn banners and AU flags flying all over the place. Why is that?”
God looks at him seriously for a moment, then says, ”Bear, that’s not Shug’s house. That’s mine.”
An Auburn fan and an Alabama fan both go over to Tunica to do a little gambling. After a couple of hours the Alabama fan was broke. He looks over and sees the Auburn fan with a wheelbarrel full of quarters.
The Alabama fan walks over to him and says, ”Wow, where did you win all that?”
To which the Auburn fan replies, ”You see that machine on the wall over there? If you put a dollar in you get four quarters back every time!”
Question and Answer
Q. Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery?
A. 3 dollars a year for a million years.
Q. What do a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas and a Hurricane in Florida have in common?
A. Somebody’s fixin’ to lose them a house trailer.
Q. Why do folks from Alabama go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A. Nobody admitted 17 and under.
Q. What do you get when you have 32 Alabamians in the same room?
A. A full set of teeth.
Q. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama?
A. Everyone has the same DNA.
Q. A new law was passed in Alabama recently.
A. When a couple gets a divorce, they’re still brother and sister.
Two Alabamians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, ”Hey Tommy Ray, what’cha got in th’ bag?”
”Jus’ some chickens.
”If I guess how many there are, can I have one?”
”I’ll give you both of them.”
”OK. Ummmmm...... , five?”
An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, ”Hurry over here. My house is on fire!”
”OK,” replied the fireman, ”how do we get there?”
”Say, don’t you still have those big red trucks?”
The Alabamian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. ”Want to go in the back seat?” she asked.
”No,” he replied.
A few minutes later she asked, ”Now do you want to get in the back seat?”
”No,” he said again, ”I wanna stay here in the front seat with you.”
Q. Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Alabama burned down?
A. Almost took out the whole trailer park.
Q. How do you keep Freddie Kitchens from hitting you with a football?
A. Wear a Bama jersey!
Several years ago the city of Birmingham decided to lease several English style double decker buses to transport the Auburn and Alabama fans to the Iron bowl. On this bus, the Auburn fans were on the bottom level and the Alabama fans were on the top deck. as we started off to the stadium, all of the Auburn fans were making a lot of noise yelling ”War Eagle” and having a good time. We noticed that the Alabama fans were quiet. Not a sound was coming from the upper deck.
I decided to go up top and see what was wrong. As I arrived up top, I noticed that all of the Alabama fans had their hands clasped on the rail in front of them and they all were white as a sheet. I was stunned. I asked them why they all were so frightened?
They replied with fear in their eyes, ”WE DON’T HAVE A DRIVER.”
Question and Answer
Q. How do you keep Freddie Kitchens from hitting you with a football?
A. Wear a Bama jersey!
Q. How did the Alabama student die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q. Why do Alabama students have TGIF on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First!
Q. Did you hear about the Alabama quarterback who tried to throw himself on the floor in a fit of rage?
A. He missed!
Mom: Only 2 more minutes until 1998.
Dad: I’m going to bed.
Son: But Dad, you’re going to miss the ball drop....
Dad: Hey Son, I’ve seen it plenty of times.. I’m an Alabama fan you know!!
Q. What is the one thing that keeps so many Alabama football players from graduating?
Q. Did you hear about the Alabama fan who froze to death?
A. He went to the drive in... He sat through ”Closed for the season”!!
Q. How do you get an Auburn student off your porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza!
Two Auburn fans have been walking in the woods for eight hours when they stop and one turns to the other and says, ”I’m cutting the next Christmas tree we find, lights or no lights.”
Q. What’s the difference between a University of Alabama sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.
A guy went to Tuscaloosa and picked up one of those new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned on the radio and nothing happened.
Furious, he demanded to see the sales manager, and told him ”When I buy a $50, 000 car I expect the dang radio to work.”
The sales manager explained to him that the radio had been programmed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear.
He got back into the car and said ”Country music,” and old Willie Nelson started singing. ”Rock and roll,” he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning. ”Easy listening,” he remarked, and all at once it sounded like he was in an elevator. He was relaxed, driving up I-59 to Birmingham, and listening to smooth sounds.
Then a pickup truck with two good ole boys almost ran him off the road. ”Stupid rednecks!” he screamed. The radio immediately blurted out, ”TOUCHdooooooooown AllaBAAAAAAAmaaa!!!!”
You’re probably an Auburn fan if...
... You can play the Auburn fight song using your armpit.
... Your wife’s idea of cleaning house is throwing everything out into the yard.
... The Roto-Rooter man stops by your trailer and asks, ”What’s that smell?”
... You’re a member of the Skoal Frequent Purchaser Program.
... You looked up your family tree and your uncle spit on you.
... You joined Alcoholics Anonymous so you can drink and use a different name.
... You looked out for #1 and stepped in #2!!!
... You won’t buy a Japanese car because you’re afraid you won’t understand what they say on the radio.
... Your kids go to a private school and they won’t tell you where it is.
... Your Granny beats you in the tobacky spittin’ contests.
Length vs. Height
Two Auburn Engineering students were tasked to measure the height of a flag pole as a class assignment. They decided to measure the flag pole outside of Legion Field at the south end of the stadium. While attempting this task one student would hold the tape while the other climbed the flag pole with the other end of the tape. Much to their disappointment the student climbing the pole kept sliding down and could not get to the top.
An astute Alabama graduate was observing from a distance and suggested that the Auburn students disconnect the flag pole and measure the pole while on the ground.
The Auburn students enraged by the suggestion yelled out ” We want to know how tall it is not how long it is you idiot”
Question ans answer
Q. What is the difference between a litter of puppies and Alabama fans?
A. The puppies stop whining after 6 weeks.
Two Auburn fans are walking in the woods. One says, ”Look! A dead bird.”
The other one looks up into the sky and says, ”Where?”
Q. Do you know the difference between an Auburn fan getting run over by a car and an Alabama fan?
A. There are skid marks in front of the Bama fan!!
Two innebriated Auburn fans are walking along a railroad track.
One says, ”Darn! These stairs are killin’ me!”
The other says, ”It’s ain’t the stairs I can’t stand, it’s the low handrails!”
Q. What’s a seven course meal at Auburn?
A. A possum and a six-pack.
Q. Do you know why Terry Bowden was fired?
A. He was too short to step down.
An Alabama offensive lineman who doesn’t hold, a humble Florida Gator, and Santa Claus all checked into the same hotel. As they entered the elevator, they spotted a $50 bill on the floor. Who ended up with the money and why?
Answer: Santa Claus - the other two aren’t real!
Q. What do they put on the bottoms of Coke bottles at Auburn?
A. Please open other end.
This year’s Auburn team is so sorry they have to buy a house just to get a yard.
Q. How do you keep an Auburn football player out of your yard?
A. Put a goal post in it.
Q. How many Alabama fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Just one, but it takes a roomfull to sit around and talk about how the BEAR would have done it.
An Alabama and an Auburn cheerleader where each late for breakfast at cheerleading camp so they had to eat cereal instead of a hot breakfast.
The Alabama cheerleader fixed her bowl of Cheerios and went to sit at a nearby table.
The Auburn cheerleader picked up the box and started to poor herself some, but suddenly stopped with a dumb look on her face.
The Alabama cheerleader asked her what was wrong, to which the Auburn cheerleader replied, ”Nothing. I’ve just never seen doughnut seeds before!”
A Bama alum, a Tennesse alum and an Auburn alum have been captured by Iraqi forces and are about to be executed by firing squad.
First, the Bama alum is blindfolded and placed in front of the firing squad. The Iraqi officer said, ”Ready, aim....”
The Bama alum yells ”Sandstorm!” and all the Iraqis hit the dirt and the Bama alum runs away.
The Tennesse guy was placed in front of the firing squad. The officer said ”Ready, aim.....” ;
The Tennesseean shouted ” Tornado!!!!” . All the Iraqis again hit the dirt while the Volunteer escaped.
The auburn guy thought this was great. When he was blindfolded, again the officer shouted ”Ready, aim....”
The Aubie shouted ”FIRE!”
Can’t Get Out!
An Alabama fan was driving down a country road when he came upon two Auburn football players hitchiking. He told the Auburn players to jump in the back of his pick-up truck. He then drove down the dirt road rather fast and lost control of the truck as they were going around a curve. The truck landed in a lake. The Alabama fan scrambled to the surface and swam to the bank. When he looked back at the lake, the two Auburn football players were still sitting in the bed of the truck looking frantic.
As the truck began sinking the Bama fan yelled for the Auburn players to get out truck, to which they replied, ”We’re tryin’ to get out, but we can’t get the dang tailgate open!”
A football fan walks into a small shop in Birmingham. He spots a bottle labeled ”New York Football Player Brains”, $5 an ounce. He asks the clerk if there are any other bottles.
The clerk replies, ”Well, we’ve got Tennessee brains for $10 an ounce, and Alabama football brains for $1, 000, 000 an ounce.”
The man says, ”Why the big difference in price?”
The clerk answers,” Do you know how many Alabama football players we have to kill to get an ounce of brains!”
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11, 623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the S
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10, 000 Lakes. And 10, 000, 000, 000, 000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A