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Alcohol jokes


Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

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Joke #6830 posted in the category: Alcohol jokes.

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, ”Hey, I’ve got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog.”

The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, ”What the hell? I don’t want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!”

The first says, ”I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you’re sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won’t have to pay for anything!”

The second drunk says, ”Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me.”

So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.

The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, ”We’ve got to switch places ’cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor.”

The first drunk says, ”You think that’s bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!”

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Joke #6831 posted in the category: Alcohol jokes.

Of course this doesn’t apply to you and me, but you may want to pass this on to other people to warn them.

The UK’s Alcohol manufacturers have accepted the Government’s Health suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

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WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode

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Joke #6832 posted in the category: Alcohol jokes.

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am.

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).

Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you’re tougher than a really big guy named Kong.

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small... or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

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Joke #6833 posted in the category: Alcohol jokes.

Sthi Bash is sitting in a bar drinking some alcohol.

After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls. He crawls to the door of the bar and tries to stand up and he falls again, he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again.

He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground.

His wife opens the door and surprised she asks him, ”Where the hell did you leave your wheelchair?”

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Joke #6834 posted in the category: Alcohol jokes.

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