A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.
The bartender looks up and says, ”You aint from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?”
The guy says, ”I’m from Iowa.”
The bartender asks, ”What the heck you do in Iowa?”
The guy responds, ”I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender asks, ”A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”
The guy says nervously, ”I mount animals.”
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, ”It’s okay boys, he’s one of us.”
A special Arkansas edition of Windows XP has been developed.
It is distinguished by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS XP, and has a a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.
Other differentiating features:
The Recycle Bin is labeled ”Outhouse”
My Computer is called ”This Dern Contraption”
Dial up Networking is called ”Good Ol’ Boys”
Control Panel is known as the ”The Dashboard”
Hard Drive is referred to as ”4- Wheel Drive”
Floppies are ”them little ol plastic disc thangs”
Instead of an error message a ”garbage bag and roll of duct tape” pops up
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN ARKANSAS EDITION:
OK.......... ats aw-right
Reset....... try er agin
Find......... hunt fer it
Go to........ over yonder
Back........ back yonder
Help........ hep me out here
Start....... crank er up
Programs...... stuff at duz stuff
Documents..... stuff ah done did
Also note that ARKANSAS EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Winders XP:
Tiperiter....... A word processing program
Colerin book..... a graphics program
cyferin mersheen... Calculator
outhouse paper.... notepad
iner-net....... Microsoft Explorer 6. 0
pichers........ A graphics viewer
I hope this helps all y’all!
Billy Bob Gates
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the ”Arkansas Edition of Windows 98” may have accidentally
been shipped outside of Arkansas. If you have one of the Arkansas Editions, you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Arkansas Edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of Frank Broyles superimposed on the Razorback flag.
It is shipped with a Leann Rimes screen saver.
The ”Recycle Bin” is labeled ”Outhouse.”
”My Computer ” is called ”This Infernal Contraption.”
”Dialup working” is called ”Good Ol Boys.”
”Control Panel” is known as ”The Dashboard.”
”Hard Drive” is referred to as ”4-Wheel Drive.”
”Floppies” are ”Them Little Ol’ Plastic Disc Thangs.”
Instead of an Error Message you get a Winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK.........’ ats aww-right
Cancel...... hail no
Reset...... aw shoot
Find....... hunt-fer it
Go to..... over yonder
Back....... back yonder
Help....... hep me out here
Stop....... ternit off
Pause...... fixin’ to
Start...... crank it up
Programs... stuff that does stuff
Documents.. stuff I done done
Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Arkansas Edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
Arkansas Governor Application First name: ___________________Last name(if known): _______________________ Address (where you live): Mother’s name(list also relation, i. e. , sister): __________________ Birthdate(yours): ____________________ Father’s name (if known, if not, list two possible choices)______________ Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( ) Year of pickup truck: ____________ Do you have the following in your truck: Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( ) Filled ash tray( ) Used Condoms( ) Dead Road Kill( ) Dog of Unknown Breed( ) Have you ever been to a large city? (Like Little Rock) Yes( ) No( ) How far can you throw cow pies? __________ Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( ) Wife’s name: __________________ Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( ) Sister( ) Mother( ) Neighbor’s dog( ) Right hand( ) Does your wife weigh: Less than 200 Pounds( ) Less than 300 Pounds( ) Less than a 747( ) More than a 747( ) Do you know what a 747 is? Yes( ) No( ) How much smarter than you is your wife: 50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( ) 100 IQ Points( ) She Won’t Tell Me( ) Does your wife wear: A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( ) Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( ) Nothing( ) Nothing but an Arkansas U Hog Head Hat( ) Color of wife’s hair: Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( ) Black( ) Bald( ) Did you understand the previous questions: Yes( ) No( ) What does ”previous” mean? ( ) Huh? ( ) All of the Above( ) Have you ever had: Herpes( ) Jock Rot( ) The Drip( ) Roids( ) Zits( ) (Check all that Smelly Feet( ) Toe Jam( ) Bad Breath( ) Tit Munge( ) apply) Ear Wax( ) Long Nasal Hairs( ) Brown Nose( ) Have you ever: Castrated a Pig( ) Been Castrated by a Pig( ) Danced to Achey Breaky Heart( ) Had an Achey Breaky Heart( ) Been Mistaken for Elvis( ) Had Fantasies about Toto( ) Had Fantasies about Dorothy and Toto( ) Had Fantasies about Gilligan( ) Had Fantasies about Gilligan and the Skipper Too( ) Inhaled( ) Where was your last Elvis sighting? ________________ On what date? ___________ Can you count past five: Yes( ) No( ) Past ten: Yes( ) No( ) Explain in ten words or less why on Earth you want to be Governor of Arkansas: Signature (or ’X’ if you can’t write)________________________________-9+
ARKANSAS MOTHER WRITES HER SON Dearest Redneck Son, I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain... we haven’t seen them since. The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you’re an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drpwmed. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down. There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Love, Mom-35+