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Arnold Schwarzenegger jokes


Six women have come forward that say Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them without their consent. This proves he would be a hands-on governor.” —Jay Leno

”In his last day of campaigning, Arnold Schwarzenegger apologized for groping women in his past. He said ’What can I say, it was the ’70s, ’80s and ’90s.” —Conan O’Brien

”Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold’s campaign has a new slogan: ’Win one for the groper.’ ” —David Letterman

”Today, the L. A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I’m telling ya, this guy is presidential material.” —David Letterman

”In his apology, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he was sorry to the women that he groped, and he admitted that he had acted badly. Not only that, Arnold then apologized for acting badly in all of his movies.” —Conan O’Brien

”Arnold is now the front runner. Everyone was snickering about it a month ago, now it looks like he will be the next governor of California. He is so confident he has already chosen a body oil for the inauguration.” —David Letterman

”Arnold Schwarzenegger is in some trouble. Today, the Los Angeles Times broke a story that quoted six women who claimed that Arnold Schwarzenegger sexually harassed them. When asked about it, President Clinton said ’six? That’s not enough experience to be governor.’ ” —Conan O’Brien

”Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats?” —Jay Leno

”All the other candidates are jumping on this. Like today, Cruz Bustamante said that during the debate he caught Arnold staring at his cleavage.” —Jay Leno

”Apparently, six women claim that Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them while working on his movies. Hats off to these women who admit they worked on Arnold’s movies.” —Craig Kilborn

”And then there were 133. With less than a week left in the campaign, Independent Arianna Huffington bowed to her poll numbers and dropped out of the California governor’s race on Tuesday. Unfortunately, saying no to Arnold Schwarzenegger only makes him hornier.” —Jon Stewart

”Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a huge debate with Arianna Huffington about immigration — going back and forth — finally immigration came in and hauled them both away.” —David Letterman

”Last night during the California gubernatorial debate, Arianna Huffington accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of not treating women well. Huffington may have a point because Arnold’s response was ’shut up bitch.’ ” —Conan O’Brien

”So, Arnold chooses to dispel rumors of misogyny by implying that he will kill Arianna Huffington in his next movie. Excellent.” —Jon Stewart, after Schwarzenegger said he had a perfect role for Huffington in ”Terminator 4”

”You know, if he stinks, you can’t go to the future and send somebody back to stop him.” —Jon Stewart on Schwarzenegger, at the Emmy awards.

”I have two questions about Arnold Schwarzenegger. What does he know, and when will he know it?” —Bill Maher

”Over ten thousand people have signed a petition to recall Governor Schwarzenegger. I’m sorry, that is next year’s joke.” —Craig Kilborn

”Eunice Kennedy Shriver, President Kennedy’s sister, endorsed Arnold Schwarzenegger, said he’s not a womanizer. Of course by Kennedy standards that means he never drove one off a bridge.” —Bill Maher

”I have no idea what that was about, unless it was a genetic experiment to breed a bullet-proof Kennedy.” —Comedian Will Durst, on Schwarzenegger’s marriage to Maria Shriver

”Last night, we had the first gubernatorial debate. Some people are criticizing Schwarzenegger for not going. They say Arnold goes around telling people he cares, everything is going to be great, forget about everything he did in the ’70s. Hey, it worked for George Bush.” —Jay Leno

”Apparently 26 years ago, Arnold gave an interview to Oui magazine about his sex life. The good news is that Arnold is married to Maria Shriver and now that he’s had a sex scandal, the Kennedy family has finally accepted him.” —Jay Leno

”Arnold Schwarzenegger has come out against gay marriage. He said marriage is a sacred union between a groupie and any number of body builders.” —Bill Maher

”The media is all over this Oui interview that Arnold did 25 years ago. Now, he’s admitted he smoked pot, had group sex and didn’t mind dating a girl that was out of shape and kind of fat if she satisfied him sexually. So, his handlers have stopped comparing him to Reagan and started comparing him to Clinton.” —Bill Maher

”Arnold is all over the map with this gay stuff. In the interview, he says men shouldn’t feel like fags, his word, just because they want to have nice looking bodies. He said, ’I have no hang-ups about the fag business.’ Boy, how about that, a guy who will stand up for gays while calling them fags. I think we have finally found the compassionate conservative.” —Bill Maher

”An old interview of Arnold Schwartzenegger has surfaced where he admits to smoking a lot of pot and having sex with hookers. Finally a Republican all Californians can get behind.” —David Letterman

”Arnold Schwarzenegger made his tax returns public, [and] now there’s a problem about him stretching the truth. Apparently under occupation he put down ’actor.’ ” —Jay Leno

”It’s been reported that some of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s opponents have been circulating naked pictures of Arnold on the Internet. Yeah, in a related story, Arnold is leading the other candidates by four inches.” —Conan O’Brien

”It looks like it’s going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger or Gray Davis. You got a robot from the future or a robot with no future.” —Jay Leno

”Now see, a lot of critics are saying Arnold can’t get elected because he’s just an ambitious guy with a famous name, who doesn’t know anything about running the government. Didn’t hurt George Bush.” —Jay Leno

”Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California’s schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.” —Conan O’Brien

”Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess.” —Jay Leno

”Arnold was on the ’Today’ show today, he was a little light on specifics. He said he could solve California’s $38 billion budget deficit, without cutting spending or raising taxes because there was a third way. What is it? Let’s just say it involves a robot going back in time to convince Gray Davis to go into dentistry.” —Bill Maher

”President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn’t a Nazi, he wouldn’t have any credibility with conservatives at all.” —Bill Maher

”Arnold Schwarzenegger campaigned in New York this week, where he stepped up his controversial goal of helping children.... It’s all summed up in his campaign slogan, ’Arnold Schwarzenegger: Cutting violence in half with a laser-guided chain gun across a charred landscape — for the children.’ ” —Jon Stewart

”People are starting to forget about Florida, and all the hard work we Floridians did to become the top national laughingstock. Well, I have a message for you Californians: We’re not going to take this lying down. You’re in the limelight now, but there’s another presidential election coming, and we’re going to be ready. We’re bringing back the chads.” —Dave Barry

”Here’s a little known fact — Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.” —David Letterman

”Critics say Arnold has no previous government experience, but advisers say he’s clearly the most qualified Austrian, ex-Mr. Universe in the race.” —Craig Kilborn

”Even Arnold’s adviser says he was shocked by his decision to run. I mean, his people were backstage that night and they had no idea. He totally fooled them. Who knew Arnold was that good of an actor? If he had done that in a movie, he’d have an Academy Award by now.” —Jay Leno

”People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife.” —Craig Kilborn

”Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he is going to run for governor on our program last night. My staff didn’t know, Arnold’s staff didn’t know, I was shocked as everyone else. If he doesn’t get elected governor, maybe he should work for the CIA. I mean, he can keep a secret better than they can.” —Jay Leno

”Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country.” —Conan O’Brien

”Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.” —Conan O’Brien

”The big political news, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he’s running for governor of California, and already, people are chanting, ’Four more vowels, four more vowels.’ ” —Craig Kilborn

”They’re saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least according to his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger.” —Craig Kilborn

”If Arnold is elected, you know who I’d feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you’re about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it’s your reprieve, and you hear ’Hasta la vista, baby.’ ” —Jay Leno

”Yesterday Jerry Springer bowed out of the Ohio Senate race. He said, ’If I can’t run the most embarrassing campaign in America, then I’m out of here.’ ” —Craig Kilborn

”It’s official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that’s what everybody thinks he said.” —David Letterman

”President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can’t pronounce Schwarzenegger.” —David Letterman

”Critics have noted Schwarzenegger’s only previous government experience was serving under President Bush senior as Chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, a largely symbolic office, where Schwarzenegger’s only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was going to do anyway.” —Jon Stewart

”Schwarzenegger said last night on the show he expects his opponents to throw all kinds of dirt at him. And you know, it’s started already. Today, they released the one thing that could really hurt Arnold. Turns out he once starred in a movie with Tom Arnold.” —Jay Leno

”Finally, a candidate who can explain the Bush administration’s positions on civil liberties in the original German.” —Bill Maher, on Arnold Schwarzenegger

”Yes, in baseball when the team stinks, you fire the manager. But you don’t fire him because it rains. And you don’t let the opposing team choose a new manager for you. And you don’t fire him between innings. And replace him with a Viennese weightlifter.” —Bill Maher

”California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils.” —Jon Stewart

”Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he’s running for governor. He’s got a great slogan — ’Vote for me, or I’ll make ’Kindergarten Cop II.... He’s got a really stiff opponent — the English language.” ’ —Craig Kilborn

”Arnold Schwarzenegger has still not officially bowed out of this race. It looks like he’s not gonna run. But I’ll tell ya, if Arnold does run, he better get on the ballot, because you don’t want a write-in with a name like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Because people will go — ’Schwarz, schwarz, oh Davis is easier.’ ” —Jay Leno

”The Sacramento Bee is reporting that Arnold Schwarzenegger is not going to run for governor. You know what would be better? Arnold should do what he does in the Terminator movies. He should go back in time and prevent Gray Davis from ever being born. That way you wouldn’t have the problem.” —Jay Leno

”There’s all this talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well, you know where he is now? Visiting Mexico, which I think means that he is definitely going to run for governor. Arnold is smart. He’s in Mexico campaigning with the very people who’ll be living here by election time.” —Jay Leno

”I went to see the Terminator movie the other night. Every time Arnold Schwarzenegger came on the screen this guy in front of me went ’Booo! Booo!’ and was throwing stuff. I had to say ’Governor Davis just shut up and sit down!’ ” —Jay Leno

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Joke #26629 posted in the category: Arnold Schwarzenegger jokes.

What is this?

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one...

Cher and Madonna don’t have one...

And the Pope doesn’t use his...

Answer: A Last Name!

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Joke #26818 posted in the category: Arnold Schwarzenegger jokes.

Movie Mogul 1: Hey, did you hear that Woody Allen and Arnold

Schwarzenegger are making a movie together?

Movie Mogul 2: Really? What’s it called?

Movie Mogul 1: Conan the Psychiatrist.

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Joke #26864 posted in the category: Arnold Schwarzenegger jokes.

One day Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pierce Brosnan were in a jungle in order to take some shots for a movie. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ”Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.” The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food

Spielberg was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his ass. The servants finished their duty, leaving a screaming Spielberg.

Schwarzenegger was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but cusiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Spielberg was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Schwarzenegger had several apples in his ass and he was still laughing. He asked him ”What the hell are you laughing at?”

A laughing Schwarzenegger replied ”Pierce is coming back with a watermelon.”

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Joke #27356 posted in the category: Arnold Schwarzenegger jokes.

”In a shocking announcement, Governor Schwarzenegger said he supports changing the constitution to allow people like him to run for president. I’m shocked he would want that. Do you think he can win? Well, you know, it’s interesting, he has Ronald Reagan’s appeal as an actor and George W. Bush’s difficulty with the English language. And, let’s not forget, he’s got a little Clinton in there too, so he could win.” —Jay Leno

”Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will refuse his $175, 000 salary and will work for free. I believe he will be worth every penny.” —Craig Kilborn

”Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as the Governor of California. He put one hand in the air, the other hand on the Bible, which is a good start — at least we know where his hands are now.” —Jay Leno

”Today was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s inauguration as Governor of California. Arnold was told to ’Raise your right hand and butcher the English language after me.’ ” —Craig Kilborn

”There was one tricky moment — to get Arnold to put his hand on the Bible, they stuck it in Paris Hilton’s bra.” —Craig Kilborn

”Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as governor yesterday in the mystical land of the west known as Kali-forn-ia. Celebrities attended the event, including national anthem singer Vanessa Williams. But the moment everyone was waiting for was the swearing in. The Bible used for the swearing in ceremony was 200 years old and belonged to his in-laws, the Kennedys. That may explain why the Leviticus chapter is interspersed with the phone numbers of Rockettes.” —Jon Stewart

”Earlier today in California Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as Governor. After being sworn in, Arnold wasted no time and got right down to groping.” —David Letterman

”Immediately after Arnold was sworn in, Gloria Alred jumped in: ”While you have your hand on the Bible, I’d like to ask you a few questions.” —Jay Leno

”More problems for Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. California Attorney General Bill Locklear has suggested a special toll free number be set up for women to call in allegations about Arnold’s past. I have a better idea — why not make it a 900 number and charge $1. 99 a minute. We’ll pay off that $33 billion dollars right there.” —Jay Leno

”As you know Arnold is investigating himself. He will subpoena both of his hands, and if he finds any evidence of wrongdoing he is going to sue himself.” —Jay Leno

”In Washington, Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Vice President Dick Cheney. So, the Terminator met the Defibrillator. The difference between Schwarzenegger and Cheney is that when Cheney grabs a chest, it’s his own.” —Jay Leno

”Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger is in Washington D. C. today. He and Ted Kennedy went to lunch. Your state’s on fire and what do you do? A three-martini lunch with Ted Kennedy.” —David Letterman

”Bush joked last week during his meeting with Schwarzenegger that they are both sometimes accused of misspeaking the language. Mr. President, he’s from a foreign country.” —Jon Stewart

”On Thursday in California, President Bush met privately with Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. What did the pair talk about? Neither is sure.” —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live’s ”Weekend Update”

”Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It’s amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Terminator.” —David Letterman

”Arnold Schwarzenegger will probably be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention, which is very smart, because after Schwarzenegger speaks, Bush’s English won’t sound so bad.” —Jay Leno

”Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is going to ask President Bush for help with the budget. What better way to deal with a $38 billion deficit than get advice from a guy that created a $450 billion deficit.” —Jay Leno

”In his first news conference after being elected governor of California, Arnold Schwarzeneger promised to clean house in Sacramento. He also threatened to molest the energy crisis, and date rape the deficit.” —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live’s ”Weekend Update”

”Time was, our leaders were all veterans of World War II, the Korean conflict or even the struggle for civil rights. But now, with the election of Jesse Ventura in Minnesota and Arnold Schwarzenegger in California, it is clear that the next generation of political leaders will all come from the movie ’Predator.’ ” —Stephen Colbert, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

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Joke #29715 posted in the category: Arnold Schwarzenegger jokes.

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