A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, ”Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!” The panda yells back at the bartender, ”Hey, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: ”A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, ”That was a karate chop from Korea.” The little guy thinks ”GEEZ,” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, ”That was a judo chop from Japan.” So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!” -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, ”When he gets up, tell him that’s a crowbar from Sears.-857+
A black man’s walking thru the jungle, hands scraping the ground, when all of a sudden he hears a distant sound…. ChangLingWang, WungChonLee
”What da fuck was that?” he says to himself. Then he keeps on strolling through the jungle. A few seconds later, he hears it again! Only much louder…PoeMangFu, WongTonChi
All of a sudden he comes across an open clearing, in the jungle, and he sees a beautiful pond about 50 ft. in front of him. And standing on the edge of the pond, he sees an Asian man. He then proceeds to walk towards this Asian and once upon him, he asks him whether he knows where that particular sound from the jungle is coming from.
”OOhhh, yes. You see, this is a magic pond that tell you your ANCESTORS names by skipping a rock on it. Watch and listen.” With that, the Asian throws the rock, and as it skips, the mystical noise is heard once again…WooLangChing, HungWongLo
The Asian then offers the black man a try, and hands him a rock. And with that, the black man throws the rock with all his might and as it skips, the mystical noise is heard once again………
The following are actual English subtitles used in films from
* I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
* Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
* Gun wounds again?
* Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
* A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.
* Darn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken.
* Take my advice, or I’ll spank you a lot.
* Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
* This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I
am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave
them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
* Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.
* I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!
Asian guy is having his ”SNACK” ( bread and jam) when an American man chuckling chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Asian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
American: ”You Asian folks eat the whole bread??”
Asian (in a bad mood): ”Of course.”
American: (after blowing a huge bubble) ”We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them
into croissants and export them to Asia.”
The American has a smirk on his face. The Asia listens in silence.
The American persists: ”D’ya eat jelly with the bread??”
Asian: ”Of Course.”
American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). ”We don’t. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and export them to Asia.”
The Asian ( pissed of) then asks: ”Do you have sex in America?”
American: ”Why of course we do”, the American says with a big smirk.
Asian: And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”
American: ”We throw them away, of course.”
Asian: ”We don’t. In Asia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and export them to America.