A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says ”What’s wrong with Schlitz, don’t you like it?” The man says, ”I hate that shit. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, ”You drink a case of any beer you’re going to blow chunks.” ”You don’t understand;” says the man, ”Chunks is my dog.”-17+
There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he’d never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o’clock.
But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, ”Why can’t I touch its fur?” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it.
Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he’d worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.
He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly the gorilla went ape and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else’s sports car and drove off.
In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behing him.
He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone’s front garden and up the apple tree.
He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.
The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he’d lost the gorilla.
The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead.
It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.
This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.
The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, ”Tag! You’re it!”
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow! ), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, ”I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, ”If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times! ), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the Mermaid. ”I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.”
The young son replied, ”Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?”
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, ”Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, ”Why not THIRTY times in a row?”
Finally, she said, ”Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.”
Then the young fellow asked, ”Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. ”How was work, dear?” his wife asks.
”Listen! I don’t want to talk about work!” he shouts.
”Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?” she asks nicely.
”Listen!” he shouts again. ”I’m not hungry! I don’t wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?”
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, ”Well, I guess it’s that time of the month.”
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
”That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits,” he said. ”Why don’t you take your blouse off and we’ll see what he does?”
At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra.
The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.
”Hey,” the husband said, ”let’s really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we’ll see what he does.”
Again she said no and again he persuaded her.
This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. ”Now,” said the husband with an evil smile, ”tell HIM you have a headache!”