A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender ”Hey bartender. If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?” The bartender says ”sure” and the drunk pulls a frog out of his pocket and sets it down on the table. The frog then plays the best jazz the bartender heard in years and he gives the drunk his free drink. The drunk says ” hey bartender. If I show you another trick will you give me another free drink?” The bartender says ”If it’s anything like the trick you just showed me, you can drink the rest of the night for free.” So the drunk pulls a rat out of his pocket and the rat starts singing. The bartender starts pouring drinks for the drunk as fast as the drunk could drink them. Two hours later, an agent walks into a bar and sees the frog and the rat. He walks up to the bartender and says ”That’s the greatest act I’ve seen in years. Who owns that act?” The bartender points to the drunk who’s passed out on the floor and says ”He does.” The agent wakes the drunk and says” That’s the greatest act I’ve seen in years. I’ll give you $100, 000 for that act.” The drunk says ”There not for sale.” ”Ok,” the agent says ”then I’ll give you $50, 000 for the singing rat.” ”It’s a deal” the drunk says so the agent gives him the money and leaves with the rat. ”I can’t believe you! You had a million dollar rat there you just passed it up for a measly 50 grand” The bartender yells. ”Relax,” said the drunk, ”The frogs a ventriloquist.”-11+
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar, turns to the astonished patrons, and says ”I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my privates unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”
The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens his mouth and the man removes his genitals, unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheers and the first of his free drinks is delivered. The man stands up and announces, ”I’ll pay anyone one hundred dollars who’s willing to give this a try.”
A hush falls over the crowd. After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. A buxom young blonde woman timidly speaks up. ”I’ll try it, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar-
Cheese Sandwich: Ł1. 50
Chicken Sandwich: Ł2. 50
Hand Job: Ł10. 00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
”Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, ”can I help you?”
”I was wondering”, whispers the man, ”Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”
”Yes”, she purrs, ”I am.”
The man replies ”Well wash your bloody hands, I want a cheese sandwich!”
A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, ”Get out of here with that dog!”
The guy says, ”But this isn’t just any dog... this dog can play the piano!”
The bartender hooks a thumb over at a piano in the corner, ”If that dog can play that piano, you both get a drink on the house!”
The guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are loving it.
Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, ”What was that all about?”
The guy replies, ”Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a dentist.”