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Bastard jokes


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, ”Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, ”No, what?” ”He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” , says the bartender. ”Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. ”Did you see what your monkey did now?” , he asks.

”Now what?” , responds the patron.

”Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

”Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. ”He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

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Joke #1141 posted in the category: Bastard jokes.

Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find ”No Trespassing” signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, ”Sir, I’ve hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here.”

The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, ”I’ll make you a deal. We’ve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we’ve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I’ll let you hunt on my property.”

Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. ”That old bastard won’t let us hunt on his property,” he tells him. ”I’m going to shoot his cow!” He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!

Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, ”I got the cat and dog too! Let’s get the hell out of here!”

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Joke #1635 posted in the category: Bastard jokes.

Once there was this hunter, out in the forest, hunting bears.

As the hunter approached a clearing in the forest, he saw a bear. One of the biggest bears he’d ever seen. So he crouches down behind a largish rock, takes careful aim with his shotgun, and fires. After the smoke clears, he runs down tothe clearing, and the bear’s body is gone!

He searches the clearing, but to no avail. Then there’s a tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. The hunter looks around, and it’s the bear! ”You just tried to kill me, didn’t you?” . Says the bear.” Uh, no. No I didn’t”. The hunter, taken aback by a talking bear, lies.” Yes you did. Don’t lie, or I’ll rip your arms off” ”Uh, yeah, yeah I did.” ”Alright”, says, the bear, ”I’ll let you go if you do one thing for me.” ”What’s that?” , inquires the hunter. ”Give me a head-job.” ”What??” ”On your knees” So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing.

Well, the hunter’s pissed-off. ”Humiliated by a bear!” , he thinks to himself. ”I’ll teach that bastard”. He runs to the local town, and buys an Uzi sub-machine gun, and runs back to the clearing. The bear is still there, basking in the sun. ”I’ve got you now, bear”, the hunter says to himself, andopens fire from behind the rock.

Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear. Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. ”You just tried to kill me again, didn’t you?” . Says the bear. ”Uh, no. No I didn’t”, lies the hunter. ”Yes you did. Don’t lie, or I’ll rip your legs off” ”Ok! I did.” ”Alright”, says, the bear, ”I’ll let you go if you do one thing for me.” ”What’s that?” , inquires the hunter. ”Drop your pants and bend over” ”No way!” ”Ok. Prepare to get your legs ripped off.” ”Alright! I’ll do it, you bastard” So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing, walking rather gingerly.

”I’ll fucking get the bastard this time”, the hunter thinks to himself, and buys a rocket launcher. He runs back to the clearing, and blasts everything into oblivion. Trees are on fire, rocks are broken, the ground is scorched. Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear.

Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. ”You’re not here for the hunting, are you?” , says the bear.

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Joke #2345 posted in the category: Bastard jokes.

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, ”SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!!”

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Joke #10844 posted in the category: Bastard jokes.

Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. ”’Forty Niners’ fan saves friend from vicious animal”, he starts writing in his notebook. ”But I’m not a Niners fan,” the boy replies. ”’Oakland Raiders’ fan rescues friend from horrific attack,” says the reporter as he writes in his notebook. ”I’m not a Raiders fan either,” the boy says. ”Then what are you?” the reporter askes. ”I’m a Cowboys fan!!!” the boy says proudly. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, ”Redneck bastard kills family pet!”

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Joke #15331 posted in the category: Bastard jokes.

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