Be on the lookout for a new breed of ’Evil Red’ computer viruses that could seriously affect your PC:
The Manchester United virus This is where the computer develops a memory disorder, and forgets about everything before 1993.
The Manchester United shirt virus This one is especially hard to detect as it changes its format every 3 months.
The David Beckham virus This affects newer computers mainly. The computer looks great, all the lights are on but nothing works.
The Roy Keane virus Throws you out of Windows.
The Alex Ferguson virus The computer develops a continuous whining noise and the on-screen clock runs a lot faster than all the other computers in the building.
The Andy Cole virus The computer is unable to get anything into the ’inbox’.
The Mark Bosnich virus You just can’t save anything.
The Ryan Giggs virus The computer develops a processor problem whereby it thinks it’s better than it actually is. It also experiences dramatic fluctuation in performance.
Aside from the red viruses, there are several other ’Premiership’ viruses that you also need to be aware of:
The David James virus Your PC will act as though it will save something, but then unexplainably lets you down at the last second.
The David Ginola virus The computer pretends to shut down, but then re-boots and is perfectly okay.
The Stan Collymore virus This one is very hard to track down and is constantly on the move - has been known to boot up some Swedish models.
The Glenn Hoddle virus Disables your PC, lets you down and then blames it all on its previous life as a calculator.
The Gordon Strachan virus This one affects the spellchecker function on Word Processing software, highlighting thousands of errors that aren’t actually there.
The Sheffield Wednesday virus Crashes out of all programmes.
Hope this protects you from harm!
David beckham, the pope, a school girl and a pilot on a plane. the plane is about to crash and there is only three parachutes the pilot takes one and jumps off the plane. david beckham takes one and jumps off. the pope says to the little girl ”i have lived a full life so you should take the last parachute” then the little girl replied ”david beckham is so stupid he didnt take a parachute he took my schoolbag” and they both jumped off the plane-0+
posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six
› o’clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the
› Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.
› Posh turns to Becks and says: ”David, I bet you 5, 000 that he jumps!”
› which Beckham replies ”5, 000? Done! I bet that he doesn’t.” So they
› hands on the bet and continue watching.
› Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud.
› takes 5, 000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she
› can’t take your money, David,” she says. ”The truth is, I was cheating.
› saw the five o’clock news, so I knew he was going to jump.”
› ”No, babe, fair’s fair” says David. ”That money is yours fair and
› square. I
› was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o’clock news, too. I
› didn’t think he would do it again.”
David Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he went
› Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and down
› control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good.
› foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head-first to the ground. His head
› continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even
› Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending. Just as he was giving
› hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth’s’ manager came along and
› unplugged it.
David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the
› department of a large department store. ”What’s that?” he asks.
› ”A Thermos flask,” replies the assistant. ”What does it do?” asks
› assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
› Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next
› ”Here, boys, look at this,” Beckham says proudly. ”It’s a Thermos
› The lads are impressed. ”What does it do?” they ask. ”It keeps hot
› hot and cold things cold,” says David.
› ”And what have you got in it?” asks Roy Keane.
› ”Two cups of coffee and a choc ice,” replies David.