A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar, turns to the astonished patrons, and says ”I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my privates unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”
The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens his mouth and the man removes his genitals, unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheers and the first of his free drinks is delivered. The man stands up and announces, ”I’ll pay anyone one hundred dollars who’s willing to give this a try.”
A hush falls over the crowd. After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. A buxom young blonde woman timidly speaks up. ”I’ll try it, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, ”Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.”
The lady asks, ”How do I do it without surgery?”
”Just rub toilet paper between them.”
”How does that make them bigger?”
”I don’t know, but it worked for your ass.”
Angus McClod walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to go down to the basement and deplete his supply of the rare and expensive liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that his customer won’t be able to tell the difference. Angus downs the Scotch and says: ”My good man, that Scotch is only ten years old. I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch.”
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot.
The customer drinks it down and says, ”That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch.”
So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the customer a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink.
Once again Angus states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.
The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot.
Angus downs the Scotch and says, ”Now this is forty-year old Scotch!”
The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.
An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own: ”I bet you think you’re real smart,” slurs the drunk. ”Here, take a swig of this.”
Rising to the challenge, Angus takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor.
”My God!” Angus exclaims. ”That tastes like piss!”
”Great guess,” says the drunk. ”Now, how old am I?”
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0. 0.
The cop says, ’How is this possible?’ The guy says,’ Tonight I’m the designated decoy.’
There were these three brothers that were very close to each other. The brothers always went to a local bar on
every Friday at 5: 30 on the dot.
When the brothers got married they all got married to their wifes to be on the same day and at the same place.
When the brothers moved away from each other to go on with their lives with their new wife, they all promised
each other that they would still go to the bar every friday at 5: 30 and drink for each other.
On the first Friday that the brothers were separated, the first brother went to a local bar and ordered three
drinks. He took one sip from the first glass the took one sip from the second glass then from the third. He did
this until all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and went home.
This kept up for about three week before the bartender finally asked why he did that. The guy explained about
the promise that he had with his brothers. The bartender said that he thought that was a very good promise to
keep with each other.
One day the same guy came in and asked for only two glasses of beer. The bartender thinking something awful
has happened, said ”I am awfully sorry about your brother.”
The guy not knowing anything about what the bartender was talking about said ”What happened to him?” The bartender
said that when he only ordered two drinks instead of three he thought that something awful had happened.
The brother then said ”No, nothing happened to my brother, I just decided to give up alcohol.”