A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the
human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, ”Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible mentions PMS.”
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and said PMS Is in the Bible, he showed her a passage which read, ”And Mary rode
Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.”
Wanting to sell Bibles, a man went to the nearest bookstore and said to the owner, ”I’d like to have ten Bibles, please.”
The owner handed the man the Bibles and the following day, the man returned to the store and asked for twenty more.
”Twenty Bibles!” exclaimed the owner. ”I just gave you ten yesterday. What did you do with them?”
”I sold them,” the man announced proudly. So, the owner gave him an additional twenty Bibles.
A couple of days later, the man returned to the store and asked for thirty Bibles.
”Thirty Bibles!” gasped the owner. ”How are you managing to sell so many Bibles?”
The man explained that he had a stuttering problem. ”I go door to door and ask, ’Hi. Do you w-w-want to b-b-b-buy a B-B-B-Bible? If you don’t w-w-want to b-b-b-buy a B-B-B-Bible, I can always r-r-r-read it to you!”
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked
questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following
statements about the Bible were written by children. They have
not been retouched or corrected (i. e. , incorrect spelling has
been left in).
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was
called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on
to in pears.
3. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a
Jezebe like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards,
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led
the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his
son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar, he
fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in
14. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang
the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they
found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to
others before they do one to you. He also explained, ”a man doth
not live by sweat alone.”
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed
to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy
acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony
Mother of JesusA ten year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, `Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?-1+