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Bill Gates jokes


A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions. Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. ”There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us,” he announced. ”Since I’m the pilot, I get one!” After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.” I’m the world’s greatest athlete,” proclaimed Michael Jordon. ”This world needs great athletes, so I must live.” Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.” I’m the smarest man in the world,” bragged Bill Gates. ”The world needs smart men, so I must also live!” Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. At this point, the Pope began to speak. ”I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.” ”You don’t have to stay here! The world’s smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack.”

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Joke #6559 posted in the category: Bill Gates jokes.

It was time for Bill Gates to make the transition from his earthly home.

St. Peter agreed to be his guide.

Since Bill had been such an important person on earth, St. Peter decided to allow him to make a choice between Heaven and Hell.

So Bill was first escorted to a tour of Hell, it was not at all what he expected.

It was actually a pleasant spot, with good food, wine, and music, entertainment, beautiful women an all around very fine place.

St. Peter and Bill then toured Heaven; again Bill was surprised it was a stark and dreary place, very simple and pastoral with only very basic amenities.

Bill was not impressed, and so he chose Hell as his preferred destination.

A few weeks later, St Peter paid a visit to Hell to check in on Bill.

Bill was extremely unhappy, tied up to a post with flames all around him, burning, hungry, and scared.

He called out to St. Peter, ”Hey, this is not what I expected! What went wrong? How could I have made such a mistake?”

St. Peter listened patiently and then replied, ”Bill, I’m sorry about the misunderstanding, but what you first saw was only a demo!”

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Joke #8624 posted in the category: Bill Gates jokes.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: ”If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.” In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ”Car95” or ”CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ”general car default” warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say ”Are you sure?” before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how

to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You’d press the ”start” button to shut off the engine.

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Joke #8642 posted in the category: Bill Gates jokes.

The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house...

Bill: ”There are a few issues we need to discuss.”

Contractor: ”Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?”

Bill: ”Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated.”

Contractor: ”Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date.”

Bill: ”We won’t be able to fit all our furniture in there.”

Contractor: ”Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker.”

Bill: ”Stacker?”

Contractor: ”Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you’re done.”

Bill: ”Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won’t fit. The threads run the wrong way.”

Contractor: ”Oh! That’s easy. Those bulbs aren’t plug and play. You’ll have to upgrade to the new bulbs.”

Bill: ”And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?”

Contractor: ”Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.”

Bill: ”You’re kidding!?”

Contractor: ”Nope. Its the only way.”

Bill: ” Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won’t stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don’t work.”

Contractor: ”That’s a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures.”

Bill: ”And how do I fix that?”

Contractor: ”Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work.”

Bill: ”That’s the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?”

Contractor: ”Hey, if you don’t like it nobody made you buy it.”

Bill: ”And when will this be fixed?”

Contractor: ”Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we’ve had some delays...”

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Joke #8928 posted in the category: Bill Gates jokes.

Proof that Bill Gates is the Devil

The real name of ”the” Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where ”III” means the order of third (3rd. )

By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:

B 66

I 73

L 76

L 76

G 71

A 65

T 84

E 69

S 83

+ 3

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666!!

Some might ask, ”How did Bill Gates get so powerful?” Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind’s ultimate and total enslavement???

Before you decide, consider the following:

M S - D O S 6. 2 1

77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666

W I N D O W S 9 5

87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666

Coincidence? You decide...

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Joke #9825 posted in the category: Bill Gates jokes.

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