Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Albert Camus: It doesn’t matter; the chicken’s actions have no meaning except to him.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2001, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Martin Luther King Jr. : I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy
Jack Nicholson: ’cause it f******g wanted to. That’s the f******g reason.
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Plato: For the greater good.
The Pope: That is only for God to know.
Ronald Reagan: I forget.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Barry Scheck: Were you there? WERE YOU?? Did you see that chicken cross that road? Well?? DID YOU???
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, ”What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!
Homer Simpson: Mmmmmm. Chicken.
O. J. Simpson: Absolutely one-hundred percent unsure.
B. F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Oliver Stone: The question is not, ”Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, ”Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”
Louise Woodward: Because it wouldn’t shut up!! SHUT UP!!
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique
gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he’s
looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees
that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn’t seem to be much for singing.
The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet’s left foot.
Immediately Chet starts singing; ”Silent Night, Holy Night.” The husband
is very impressed with Chet’s singing abilities and watches as the manager
moves the lighter underneath Chet’s right foot. Chet now starts to sing
”Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.” The husband says Chet is perfect and
that he’ll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this
wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the
parrot’s special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet’s
left foot and the bird sings ”Silent Night.” He then moves the lighter
under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of ”Jingle Bells.” The
wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband
what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet’s legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird’s legs, and the
bird begins to sing - - ”Chet’s Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!”
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband’s attention, he’d just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported ”Goony bird” and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, ”Goony bird! The table!”
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, ”Goony bird! The shelf!”
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
”Wow!” said the wife, ”If this doesn’t attract my husband’s attention, nothing will!” So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. ”Honey!” she exclaimed, ”I’ve got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!”
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, ”Goony Bird, my foot!”