Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22 ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn’t get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, ”In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark.” And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, ”Okay,” said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
”Six months and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. ”You’d better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time.”
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. ”Noah!” shouted the Lord, ”Where is the Ark?” ”Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. ”I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn’t meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
”Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard. I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the US Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn’t let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
”The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.
”Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I’m supposed to hire.
”The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years,” Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, ”You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth?” Noah asked hopefully. ”No,” said the Lord sadly, ”The government already has!”
The Marketing Departments of two rival American and Japanese companies decided to hold a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels until both teams felt they were ready to demonstrate their prowess.
The big day arrived, and the Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so they hired a consultant to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of additional study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough people were rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team’s management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
Again the big day dawned, the race began, and the Japanese team won by TWO miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then, when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.
Just before his son’s sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, ”Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”
His son replied, ”Daddy, I would like an aeroplane.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways.
Just before his son’s seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. ”Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”
His son replied, ”Daddy, I would like a boat.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P & O Ferries.
Just before his son’s eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. ”Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”
His son replied, ”Daddy, I would like something to watch films on.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies.
Just before his son’s ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. ”Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”
His son, who had caught the ’Western’ movie bug, replied, ”Daddy, I would like a cowboy outfit.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him Microsoft.
Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean
cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life--until the boat sank.
He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people,
no supplies... nothing... only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her,
”Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
”I rowed from the other side of the island,” she says. ”I landed here when
my cruise ship sank.”
”Amazing,” he says. ”You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with
”Oh, this?” replies the woman. ”I made the rowboat out of raw material I
found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove
the bottom from palm branches. And the sides and stern came from a
”But, but, that’s impossible,” stutters Ed. ”You had no tools or hardware.
How did you manage?”
”Oh, that was no problem,” replies the woman. ”On the south side of the
island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found
if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make
Ed is stunned. ”Let’s row over to my place,” she says. After a few minutes
of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he
nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he
could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says
casually, ”It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you
like to have a drink?”
”No, no, thank you.” he says, still dazed. ”Can’t take any more coconut
”It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replies. ”I have a still. How about a
Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they
sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, ”I’m going
to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower
and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.”
No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the
cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow
ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
”Wow! This woman is amazing!” he muses, ”What next?”
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically
positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
down next to her.
”Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, ”We’ve been
out here for a really long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m
sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing
for all these months. You know...” She stares into his eyes. He can’t
believe what he’s hearing: ”You mean---”, he swallows excitedly, ”I can
check my email from here?!”