A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.
He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.
The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.
Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.
An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.
The city fella looked up and weakly said, ”No... the bees never touched me - but doesn’t that calf have a mother!?!”
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
”My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.” , says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
”My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.” , says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
”My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.” , taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams...
”Will you fuck off, I’m trying to take a shit”!
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.
As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, ”I have a dead pussy.”
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, ”Sit with my wife. You two have alot in common.”
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, ” Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn’t really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor says, ”I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the lady goes back. ”Doctor,” she says, ”I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent... stink terribly.”
The doctor says, ”Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s start working on your hearing.”
A chicken and a horse were playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer cannot be found. So she drives the farmer’s BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking.
A few days later the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, ’No, I think I can stand over the hole’. So he stretched his legs over the width of the hole and said, ’grab for my ’thingy’ and pull yourself up’. So the chicken grabbed hold of the horse’s ”thingy” and pulled herself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks!