A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
If you check my name, you’ll see it bears an unfortunate resemblance to that of a Popular Famous Author. This is particular troublesome when ordering pizza (”What’s your name please?” ”Steven King” ”No, you’re not! Get serious!” ) but I must say this is the first time it’s brought a letter like this to my virtual mailbox. I couldn’t resist replying. The sender’s name has been change to spare them untold embarrassment.
(Actually, I’ve never read any of The Author’s books, and only seen a couple of the movies. This is satire, dammit, not informed opinion! )
According to J. Random Usenetter...
›I would like to thank you for many hours of entertainment in
›reading your books. I have by no means read all of them, but I
›am working at it... ‹grin›
›Any chance of a movie/telivision series for The Eyes of The Dragon?
›although that probably isn’t a good thing to ask for, as this latest
›series on The Tommyknockers was pretty sad... : ( it looked like they
›went for a field day with the scissors on the book. (It’s gotta
›fit in 4 hours, boss! hmm.... cut out the town hall explosion thing. etc. )
›Anyway, I hope this is the correct address, (You never can be all together
›sure on the net. ‹hehe›)
I agree, but as long as I get paid who really cares? I’ve learned over the past few years that I can crank out anything and the plebes will buy it. It doesn’t even have to make sense anymore. Hell, if it weren’t already copyrighted by The Phone Company I’d slap my name on the phone book and drive it to the top of the New York Times bestseller list.
I mean, look at the sales figures for the uncut versions of The Stand and the others. Ha! Back before I was popular the editors would cut things here, tighten them up there, whatever. Generally the finished product was better for having another pair of eyes look it over and make corrections. This is why they call them ”editors,” not ”mindless yes-men.” Now my word is more sacred than the tablets God handed Moses. No one will dare touch it! Oh well, I’m getting paid 100 times as much and it’s a lot easier not to have to deal with the criticism all the time.
And the movies! Wow, they’re great! ”Based on a story title idea by You-Know-Who” All I have to do is put my name on them and I rake in bucks! No scriptwork, not even an original thought on my part! (Or on the screenwriter’s part, for that matter. ) Just lend my name to a movie and even the biggest stinkeroo becomes an overnight success. It’s a win-win situation for both me and the producer. As for all of you clowns paying to see garbage... Hey, you must like it or you wouldn’t come back, right?
My next major book is going to be a virtual reality thriller which takes place on Usenet. A daemon program gets loose and starts ravaging all the computer systems in the world. The only hope for mankind is a pyrokinetic monk in a monastery which makes software instead of wine, now that alcohol is no longer politically correct in this country. The monk and his male lover (this will have to be changed to a woman for the movie; homosexuals just aren’t marketable) enter the computer a la /Tron/ and defeat the monster by causing a simultaneous power failure all over the world. Sequel options are open, of course. Tape backups of the daemon have been made at many sites. I think I can milk this one for about 3 books, 5 movies, a soundtrack, and a children’s Saturday morning cartoon show.
I’m going to start writing it this weekend, so look for it in about a month. That’s because it’ll take at least two weeks to go from publisher to printer to bookstore. Distribution is too slow, I’ll have to figure out a way around that.
Remember, libraries are tools of the Communists. Buy the books yourself, especially the hardbacks!