A tourist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
”Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. ”But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”
The tourist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
”Here,” he said, ”is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. ”I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree’, sighed the pheasant, ’but I haven’t got the energy.”
’Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. ’They’re packed with nutrients.”
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.
Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there
A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. ”Show the lady your finest mink!” the fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on,
the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, ”Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65, 000.”
”No problem! I’ll write you a check!”
”Very good, sir.” says the shop owner.
”Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.”
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns The store owner is outraged: ”How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn’t a single penny in your checking account!!”
”I just had to come by,” grinned the guy, ”to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!”
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, ”T-square, do your stuff!” . T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, ”Slide Rule, do your stuff!” . Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, ”Measure, do your stuff!” . Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, ”What can your dog do?” . The Government Worker called to his dog and said, ”Coffee Break, do your stuff!” . Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker’s Compensation and went home on sick leave.-0+