A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, ”I’m Mother Nature, and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.”
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband ”Hey, where’s your ball?”
”It’s over here in the pussy willows.”
The wife screams back, ”DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!!”
These are stories from help desks around the country.
At 3: 37 a. m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor’s. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.
Tech Support: ”I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Tech Support: ”Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Tech Support: ”Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Tech Support: ”Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer: ”Sure, you told me to write ’click’ and I wrote ’click’.”
At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn’t, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call. )
Tech Support: ”Ok, did you type ’click’ with the keyboard?”
Customer: ”I have done something dumb, right?”
One woman called Dell’s toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, ”I just paid $2, 000 for this damn thing, and I’m not going to read the book.”
Customer: ”I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message.”
Tech Support: ”Did you install the update?”
Customer: ”No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?”
Customer: ”I’m having trouble installing Microsoft Word.”
Tech Support: ”Tell me what you’ve done.”
Customer: ”I typed ’A: SETUP’.”
Tech Support: ”Ma’am, remove the disk and tell me what it says.”
Customer: ”It says ’[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk’.”
Tech Support: ”Insert the MS Word setup disk.”
Tech Support: ”Did you buy MS word?”
Tech Support: ”Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ’OK’ button displayed?”
Customer: ”Wow. How can you see my screen from there?”
Customer: ”Uhh... I need help unpacking my new PC.”
Tech Support: ”What exactly is the problem?”
Customer: ”I can’t open the box.”
Tech Support: ”Well, I’d remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there.”
Customer: ”Uhhhh... ok, thanks....”
Customer: ”I’m having a problem installing your software. I’ve got a fairly old computer, and when I type ’INSTALL’, all it says is ’Bad command or file name’.”
Tech Support: ”Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A: › and type ’dir’.”
Customer reads off a list of file names, including ’INSTALL. EXE’.
Tech Support: ”All right, the correct file is there. Type ’INSTALL’ again.”
Customer: ”Ok.” (pause) ”Still says ’Bad command or file name’.”
Tech Support: ”Hmmm. The file’s there in the correct place-it can’t help but do something. Are you sure you’re typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?”
Customer: ”Yes, let me try it again.” (pause) ”Nope, still ’Bad command or file name’.”
Tech Support: (now really confused) ”Are you sure you’re typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says ’Enter’?”
Customer: ”Well, yeah. Although my ’N’ key is stuck, so I’m using the ’M’ key... does that matter?
At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer’s asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: ”Hello. I can’t get on the network.”
Tech Support: ”Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage.”
Customer: ”What is that?”
Tech Support: ”That little barcode on the front of your computer.”
Customer: ”Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar...”
And the best for last!!!!
Customer: ”I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won’t work.”
Tech Support: ”Your A drive won’t work?”
Customer: ”That’s what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won’t work at all.”
Tech Support: ”Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?”
Customer: ”I didn’t get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn’t come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn’t work either.”
Tech Support: ”You did what sir?”
Customer: ”I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn’t budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit.”
Tech Support: ”I don’t understand sir, did you push the eject button?”
Customer: ”No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can’t believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective.”
Tech Support: ”Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?”
At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.
Tech Support: ”Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?”
Customer: ”I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out.”
Tech Support: ”Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?” Silence.
Tech Support: ”Sir?”
Tech Support: ”Sir, did you push the eject button?”
Customer: ”No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?”
Tech Support: ”Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn’t follow the instructions we sent you, didn’t actually seek professional advice, didn’t consult your user’s manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?”
Tech Support: ”Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?”
Customer: (now rather humbled) ”But you’re supposed to help!”
Tech Support: ”I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day.”
”I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people”
- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
”They’re multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.”
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
”The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.”
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
”We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.”
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
”I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
”When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.”
- Former U. S. President Calvin Coolidge
”It’s like deja vu all over again.”
- Yogi Berra
”China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese”
- Former French President Charles De Gaulle
”The loss of life will be irreplaceable.”
- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake
”That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.”
- A congressional candidate in Texas
”It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody.”
- Richard M. Nixon
”The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet.”
- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
”When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L. A. , my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.”
- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
”Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.”
- Former U. S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
”A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.”
- Everett Dirksen
”A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”
- Samuel Goldwyn
”Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. ”
- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values
”I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.”
- John Wayne
”Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
”It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
”Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.”
- General William Westmoreland
”What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”
- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line ”a mind is a terrible thing to waste”
”If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.”
- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
”I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
”I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”
- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best in? This is an important question for the managers of Real Programmers. Considering the amount of money it costs to keep one on the staff, it’s best to put him (or her) in an environment where he can get his
The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer terminal. Surrounding this terminal are:
Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled in roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office.
Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee. Occasionally, there will be cigarette butts floating in the coffee. In some
cases, the cups will contain Orange Crush.
Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OSJCL manual and the Principles of Operation open to some particularly interesting pages.
Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calender for the year 1969.
Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled cheese bars -- the type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so they can’t get any worse while waiting in the vending machine.
Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of double-stuff Oreos for special occasions.
Underneath the Oreos is a flow-charting template, left there by the previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write programs, not documentation. Leave that to the maintainence people. )
Thanx to William Conway.
An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, ’You Australian folk eat the whole bread?’
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, ’Of course.’
The American blew a huge bubble. ’We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.’
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted. ’D’ya eat jam with the bread?’
Sighing, the Australian replied, ’Of course.’
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, ’We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.’
The Australian then asked, ’Do you have sex in the States?’
The American smiled and said, ’Why of course we do.’
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, ’And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’
’We throw them away, of course.’
Now it was the Australian’s turn to smile.
’We don’t. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.
’ Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?’