One day, Gramma sent her grandson Peter down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma’s kitchen.
”Now, where’s my bucket and my water?” Gramma asked him.
”I can’t get any water from that water hole, Gramma” cried Peter. ”There’s a big ol’ alligator down there!”
”Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Peter. He’s been there for a few years now, and he’s never hurt no one. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
”Well, Gramma,” replied Peter. ”If he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: ”You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: ”What does the cow say?” Child: ”Moo!” Mother: ”Great! What does the cat say?” Child: ”Meow.” Mother: ”Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?” And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, ”Bud.”-10+
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Kids. They’re not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.
The trouble with children is that they’re not returnable.
There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
One day the teacher called on little April while she was napping, ”Tell me, April, who created the universe?”
When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ”GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, ”Very good” and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, ”Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ’JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, ”very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. ”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, ”IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!”