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Christians jokes


An atheist was walking through the woods.

’What majestic trees!

’What powerful rivers!

’What beautiful animals!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, ’Oh my God!’

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. ’You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.’ ’Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer’?

The atheist looked directly into the light, ’It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian’?

’Very Well,’ said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

’Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.’

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Joke #21 posted in the category: Christians jokes.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, ”When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, ”What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, ”Then you ask him!”

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Joke #1063 posted in the category: Christians jokes.

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it

important to own an

equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they

went shopping. At a

kennel specializing in this particular breed,

they found a dog they liked

quite a lot. When they asked the dog to

fetch the Bible, he did it in a

flash. When they instructed him to

look up Psalm 23, he complied equally

fast, using his paws with

dexterity.

They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home

(piously, of

course). That night they had friends over. They were

so proud of their

new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they

called the dog and

showed off a little. The friends were impressed,

and asked whether the dog

was able to do any of the usual dog

tricks, as well. This stopped the

couple cold, as they hadn’t thought

about ’normal’ tricks.

”Well,” they said, ”let’s try this

out.”

Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearl

y pronounced the

command, ”Heel!”

Quick as a wink, the dog

jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead,

closed his eyes in

concentration, and bowed his head.

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Joke #4122 posted in the category: Christians jokes.

One day a preacher went out to buy a horse, so he went to the man’s house who was selling the horse. The man said this horse has been around a lot of Christians so he doesn’t respond to regular commands he only responds to commands ”praise the Lord” to go and ”amen” to stop.

So the man was riding home and the horse was running towards a cliff then the preacher yells woe! woe! then he remembered just in time and he yells Amen! so the horse stops right at the edge of the cliff. Praise the Lord

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Joke #5152 posted in the category: Christians jokes.

There once was a man that had five daughters their names are Char-relle, Zion, Keedie, Bria and Alexis. The man was called by God to a build a church. All five of his daughters suggested to him that he should make his church different from any other church.

So he set out on a mission. He came to a animal store and ask to see a parrot. The lady said that the parrot can only be taught one thing to say. So he taught the parrot to say ”open the door open it wide and let the sinners come inside.”

The man and his daughters built the church and put the parrot by the door, and every time that someone came in he would say his line. One day a bum came in and the parrot said, ”open the door open it wide and let the sinners come inside.” So the bum got kind of offended and said ”What did you just say to me?!!” The parrot repeat his sentence,” Open the door open wide and let the sinners come inside”.

Then the bum said, ”If you say that to me one more time I will throw this rock at you.” Without hesitant the parrot repeat what he was taught. Then suddenly the bum threw the rock at the bird and the bird said, ”Close the door, close it quickly this stupid fool done threw a brick!”

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Joke #5785 posted in the category: Christians jokes.

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