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Christmas jokes


Santa Claus brings poor Rudolph to the vet. He says to the vet, ”Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph. His nose won’t light up.” The vet walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier. He places the pet carrier next to the reindeer, opens it and out steps a cat. The cat walks around the reindeer and sniffs it. The cat then walks back into the carrier. The animal doctor takes it out of the room and returns. He hands Santa Claus the bill. Santa gasps, ”$350 dollars! You didn’t do anything for my Rudolph and you’re charging me $350 dollars?” The vet shrugged and replied, ”That’s the usual charge. $50 dollars for the office visit and $300 dollars for the CAT SCAN.”

-1+

Joke #702 posted in the category: Christmas jokes.

In a small Southern town there was a ”Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a ”Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, ”You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!”

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face she said ”See, it says right here, ’The three wise man came from afar.’ ”

-64+

Joke #862 posted in the category: Christmas jokes.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ”Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, ”No ma’am, they’re dead.”

-92+

Joke #863 posted in the category: Christmas jokes.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

-0+

Joke #1074 posted in the category: Christmas jokes.

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,

My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,

And he told me there was something I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,

When he told me of the horrors of..... Black November;

”Come about August, now listen to me,

Each day you’ll get six meals instead of just three,

And soon you’ll be thick, where once you were thin,

And you’ll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.”

”And then one morning, when you’re warm in your bed,

In’ll burst the farmer’s wife, and hack off your head.

Then she’ll pluck out your feathers so you’re bald ’n pink,

And scoop out your insides and leave ya lyin’ in the sink.”

”And then comes the worst part,” he said not bluffing,

”She’ll spread your cheeks and pack your rear end with stuffing.”

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,

I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat.

I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked.

I’d have to lay low and remain overlooked.

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,

High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola.

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,

I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,

And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed.

But ’twas I who was laughing, under my breath,

As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,

I was the last turkey left in the whole compound.

So now I’m a pet in the farmer’s wife’s lap;

I haven’t a worry, so I eat and I nap.

She held me today, while sewing and humming,

And smiled at me and said, ”Christmas is coming....”

-20+

Joke #1623 posted in the category: Christmas jokes.

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