the teacher says to the class that she wants a sentence with the word ”definately” in it so little sam says
”the sky is definately blue miss”.
the teacher replies
”no sam its not because there are white clouds sometimes”.
next tommy says
”the grass is always green miss”.
the teacher replies
”no tommy because sometimes it is brown when it dies”
then at the back of the class billy says
” is a fart lumpy miss”.
”no billy why?” the teacher replies.
” in that case then have definately shit myself then miss”.
After a very successful career, a former Human Relations guru found herself at the pearly gates.
”Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. ”Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far, and we’re not really sure what to do with you, so what we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”
With that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and went down to hell. The doors opened, and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club, and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with - and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up, kissed her and talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf, and at night went to the country club, where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was
actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and
waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. ”Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a
great time, and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her and asked her to choose.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, ”Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.” So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened, she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She
saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
”I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, ”yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate
lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now, all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her and smiled. ”Yesterday, we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”
Bill gates has been in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. ”Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case, I’m going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell.”
Bill replied, ”Well, what’s the difference between the two?”
St. Peter: ”I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”
Bill: ”Fine, but where should I go first?”
St. Peter: ”I’ll leave that up to you.”
”Okay then,” said Bill, ”Let’s try Hell first.”
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
”This is great!” he told St. Peter. ”If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!”
”Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.
”Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.
”Fine,” retorted St. Peter, ”as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. ”How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, ”This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?”
”That was a demo,” replied St. Peter.
When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll in.
Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be solved.
Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
God stood over Bill Gates and said, ”Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this one. It’s a tough decision... I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet
you also created that Windows95, among other things. I believe I’ll do something I’ve never done before...
I’ll let YOU decide where you want to go.
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked at God and replied, ”Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?”
God said, ”I’ll do better than that. I’ll let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you want to visit first... Heaven or Hell?”
Bill said, ”I think I’ll try Hell first.”
So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place... a bit warm... with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill’s face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. ”This is great!” , he thought. ”If this is Hell, then I can’t wait to see Heaven.”
Within a second of his thought, there was another flash of lightning and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high in the clouds where angels were drifting about playing on their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill cupped his hands, called out his decision to God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.
Time passed and God decided to check up on Bill to see how he getting along in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.
”So... how is everything going?” , God asked.
Bill responded in a cracking voice filled with anguish and disappointment, ”This is awful! It’s NOTHING like the Hell I visited the first time! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to the other place... with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?”
”That was the demo.” , replied God.