A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: ”Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?”
Man: ”Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I’ll explain what happened.”
Man: ”I got lost in the woods. I hadn’t had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground.”
Judge: ”The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony.”
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: ”Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn’t intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don’t mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?”
Man: ”Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl.”
In a courtroom, a pursesnatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened. She says, ”Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I’d remember his face anywhere.” At which point, the defendant bursts out, ”You couldn’t see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!”-0+
The big list of fun stuff to do in that boring ol’ courtroom of law...
1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the judge starts talking.
2. Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch a few at the defendant when the judge isn’t looking.
3. Giggle uncontrollably when they show the evidence, if any blood is present.
4. If they ever bring up the possibility of an accomplice, duck your head and quiver.
5. Stand up and yell ”OBJECTION!” to everything the judge says. EVERYTHING.
6. If you’re the defendant, wait until the judge starts talking about you. Proceed to hide under your table.
7. If anybody attempts to communicate with you in any way, stare off into space and blow spit bubbles.
8. Sing ”The Song That Never Ends” incessantly.
9. Get the judge to look at you. Lick your lips and motion that you’ll ”call him”
10. Actually call him
11. Bring a kazoo.
12. Act like you’re doing something important, and ask them to ”keep it down”
13. Every time the judge uses the gavel, keel over backwards and act like you’ve been shot.
14. Bring a Gameboy and leave the volume at full.
15. Wait until everybody is completely focused on the trial, then blow a referee’s whistle as loud as you can. Point to the person next to you and tell him to ”stop it!”
16. Pretend you turn into a pig when you get wet. Douse yourself in cold water and act like one.
17. Call the judge a wuss when he issues the death penalty. When he accuses you of contempt of the court, look puzzled and ask him what it means. When he answers, object.
18. Dress up like Santa Claus
19. Drink all of your lawyer’s water, then ask for more. Then ask to go to the bathroom.
20. Hiccup every time somebody says the word ”the”
21. Change your plea every five minutes
22. If you’re the judge, call the defendant the plaintiff, the plaintiff a lawyer, the witness a juror, and the jurors defendants. Call the lawyers ”Barney”
23. Gurgle into the microphone.
24. Complain aloud about that nasty wedgie you have, then take a poll of others in the audience if they too have a nasty wedgie.
25. If in traffic court, when asked to stand, walk over to the judge and issue him a parking ticket on his desk.
26. When asked to produce evidence, pick your nose, smear the snot on the table, point to it and say, ”From this it is obvious, I am not guilty!”
27. Wear those X-Ray vision glasses from Halloween, when someone walks past, stare them up and down then shake head in dismay.
28. Popcorn and a large coke, if anyone asks about it, show them your ticket and say ”I’m a paying customer!” .
29. Fart, pause momentarily, and comment under your breath, ”I’ve done better...”
30. Fart again later on, take a deep breath and state enthusiastically ”Now that’s more like it!” .
31. Bring a Lego replica of the courtroom, including Lego people, and imitate everything happening, including voices!
32. When pronounced guilty, reply ”How about we try that again, this time Rock, Scissors, Paper - best of three!”
33. Bring toaster and wave a box of ”Tropical Sprinkles Pop Tarts” around while asking ”Where’s a damn plug around here!” .
Disorder In The Court
Things people actually said in court, word for word:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, ”where am I Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well I can see pretty well I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8: 30 p. m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.