A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.
A farmer replied, ”Joe’s mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.”
”Well,” replied the man, ”she must have had a lot of friends.”
”Nope,” said the farmer, ”we all just want to buy his mule.”
The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: ”Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife’s tits and says, ”If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows.”
He grabs her butt and says, ”If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”
The wife grabs the farmer’s dick and says, ”And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother.”
Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100. 00 bill.
Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed ”I can’t break this! I need exact change.”
”Come on buddy.” Jack pleaded, ”Can’t you give me a break, just this once?”
”Nope. Sorry. Exact change!” Answered the collector.
”While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, ”Do you really like this job?”
”Well it’s not the best job that I’ve ever had, but it pays the bills,” replied the collector. ”what do you do for a living?” he asked.
Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, ”I’m a rectum stretcher.”
”A what?” asked the collector.
”A rectum stretcher.” Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.
”What does a rectum stretcher do?” The collector asked.
”Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums.” Jack explained setting aside a nickle.
”Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?” The collector asked.
”Oh you’d be surprised. It’s real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It’s the new trend.” Jack said.
Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, ”Well if you don’t mind me asking, I mean if it’s not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?”
”... How big do I stretch them?” Jack interupted. ”Most of them, not too big,” He continued, ”but I have stretched some up to six feet.”
”SIX FEET!” The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. ”Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?”
Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, ”Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls.”
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can’t stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor’s office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, ”What’s wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies, ”He’s a midget!”