Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going
to let de children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate
the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful
even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.
Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time
you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling
it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles
so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not
upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman
Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she
begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into ”get a
ATTRACTION... The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT... What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING... The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL... Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
EASY... A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT... A method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND... A person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE... A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be ”playing hard to get”.
INTERESTING... A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT... What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY... How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC... A man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
SOBER... Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A. E. I. O. U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D & C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G. I. Series -- Soldiers’ ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor’s cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you’re out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited