Bruno, 37 from Queens, New York writes... [/b]
I don’t even know where to start. But basically, 3 years back I met a waitress at a bar one night, took her back home, we had sex and we now have a 2 year old son. Her and I have been in and out of each other’s lives over the past year, fighting one week and being somewhat cordial the next. Needless to say it has been a very rocky relationship, but we’ve tried our best to hang in there for our son.
Then recently a very unexpected problem has come up... she has gone the drug route. I caught her doing heavy lines of coke off a counter at a house party she didn’t expect me to show up at. I was shocked and sickened by the whole thing. That was a few weeks ago, and no matter how I approach the topic she refuses to talk about it. I got in touch with her friends and they verified that she has been like that for the past few months. I totally had no idea man. She has custody of our child, and won’t give him up. I want to take full custody, it won’t be easy for me, but it’s the only way I can protect him from all of this. She won’t give him up, what can I do and how should I help to rehabilitate her?
[b]Dr Thatslife has this to say.... [/b]
Wow, that’s a rough story, even rougher than having the name Bruno! It’s the kind of three years of hell you would watch in a movie, but never expect yourself to be living. Let’s skip through the past few years and address the immediate issue at hand... her life is about to rapidly disintegrate into shit, and your child shouldn’t be part of that horrifically tragic experience. She will shortly move into the phase of self absorbed misery and substance addiction in which the welfare of your child will become second to fueling a habit.
Bruno... essentially when the mother becomes a fucking junkie, the term ”our son” becomes ”your son” until she gets her fucking act together. When she’s hopped up on coke, your son essentially doesn’t have a mother. Which means you need to do everything in your power, legal or otherwise to obtain custody of your child. Even if she claims to only be doing drugs outside of the home, it doesn’t matter. It is stunning just how much children absorb from the atmosphere around them, even at such a young age. They are much more influential and perceptive than you could even begin to imagine. Being around a drug addict emits such awful energy and emotional chaos, you do not have a choice in this matter Bruno. You have to act swiftly, and do so with determination.
Start by becoming informed as to what your options are, narrow down the options available to you that would render the best results, and then begin researching the fuck out of each option. For example, court would most likely be one of those options. In which case, heavily research pertaining laws, case law, and everything else you can get your hands on. The Internet is a miracle at getting basic information and helping to build a foundation of understanding and support from others. Seek advice from professionals, support groups, government counseling services, help lines, you name it. Don’t be afraid of getting out there and arming yourself to the fucking teeth with knowledge and being proactive. It is just so easy to just curl up into a fucking ball and assume because she said ”No you can’t have him.” that you’re fucked, but that is rubbish. This is the difference between your son growing up normal, and being a fucking train wreck.
I feel for you bro. This is when the saying ”Where there’s a will there’s a way.” not only comes into play, but should be your mantra until victory. As for rehabilitating her... some half-ass at home attempt will be useless, she needs professional treatment in a controlled environment, and only she can make that a reality. All you can do is point her in the right direction. Take care of your son Bruno, he needs you now more than ever.
Sue, 18 from Sunnyvale writes... [/b]
”I’ve been dating this guy for almost 9 months and everything’s great. The only problem is that my parents don’t know about it. My parents are very strict and want me to date boys that are Chinese. My boyfriend is Caucasian, three years older than me, and doesn’t go to college. My parents think he’s not good enough for me and too old for me. They think he’s only my friend and that I haven’t been talking to him since I came to college in the fall. I feel bad lying to them and angry when they say bad things about him, but I wish they would accept the fact that we are a serious couple. My older siblings have had this problem too, and my parents are always telling me to not turn out like them. I feel that they are forcing me to live my life by fixing the mistakes my siblings made. I want my parents to know about us, but I think they will disown me. I just wish my parents would be happy for me because I’m happy. What should I do?”
[b] Dr Thatslife has this to say... [/b]
In the first part of your message you say that your parents ”don’t know about it”, later on you say ”you wish they would accept the fact that we are a serious couple.” Have you really given them a chance? I think you really need to break it to them pronto and stop beating around the bush. Nine months of sneaking around is a bullshit waste of time and effort. They will find out eventually, why not just let them know now so you can save yourself all the hassle and hard times worrying about what they think.
Alrighty then, lets break it down. Does the fact that he is Caucasian mean ANYTHING? Hell no! Your parents definitely need to get with the times on that one. 3 years older then you? Shit - you want to know how many piles and piles of consultations I get with girls around 18 wanting to know how to break it to their parents their going out with a 32 year old!? 3 years is perfectly fine, they need to get real on that one too! No college? Me neither, so what? News flash - not everyone in America is going to college! You can be successful in this world without a god damn receipt... err... I mean diploma. The real question is, are you having fun with him? Yes!? Then he’s perfect for you. Its that simple Sue.
Keeping in mind after all this - YOUR 18, you can make your own bloody decisions as to who you date and who you don’t date. They aren’t the ones spending all the time with this guy, YOU ARE. Your parents are just going to have to cop it.
So basically, you sit them down, and in a calm manner, explain to them the situation, tell them that you really enjoy being with this guy, don’t hide the amount of time you have been going out with the guy... 9 months will only prove that he isn’t a passing trend and that you are actually taking things seriously. Tell them they need to give him a chance, and that it would mean a lot to you.
Sue... I highly doubt they will disown you just because of the boyfriend you pick. So good luck, listen to what they have to say, don’t get ultra emotional. Give them facts and reasons behind why they should accept your boyfriend and hopefully everything will turn out for the better.
Dan, 26 from St. Louis writes... [/b]
Me girl won’t let me go on a trip with the guys this summer, we all want to head to Vegas, the four of us for good times, but she’s giving me the gilt trip. The guys and I have been talking about this trip for a couple years, and wouldn’t want to miss it just because me girl is saying no. I ask her why and she’s all about how it’s dangerous there, I will get into trouble and meet other girls. I tell her I never done anything like that, so why she be thinking that way, I have only traveled once before and that was with family. We be going out for over a year, do I owe it to her to stay behind to make her feel better?
[b]Dr Thatslife has this to say.... [/b]
Fuck that… go on the bloody Vegas trip. She has zero rights to impede on a trip that you’ll fondly remember for the rest of your life, and a chance to really bond with your good friends. Trust me, 10 years from now, after everyone’s married, pumped out a few kids and swimming in debt and obligations, these types of opportunities will be slim to none - take them while you can. Tell her she is going to have to suck it up and trust you, no guilt trips, no downer conversations - your decision is final.
The ”Vegas is dangerous” argument of hers is the pinnacle of bullshit, if you said she was invited along she’d be packed faster than the speed of light - guess it’s not so dangerous after all. You can get into plenty of ”trouble” fucking around bored out of your mind at home with your friends, Vegas is a dumbed down tourist trap that millions of mouth breathers verging on retardation have navigated without trouble, you’ll be just fine. Finally, the infidelity argument might be understandable, if she’s insecure it will be a genuine concern of hers. But your track record has proven you are faithful and trustworthy, keep that rolling while you’re in Vegas. The last thing you need to do is nail some disease ridden lush bag hooker that crawled out from the darkest corner of the strip. There you go, strike three - she’s out and you’re on your way. Off you go buddy, don’t shit the bed on such a great chance, your girlfriend will survive JUST FINE a few days on her own.
That’s life man, enjoy it.
Danielle, 21 from New Jersey writes... [/b]
I divorced my husband several months ago because he sleeping with a bunch of other women and I caught two venereal diseases from him, both I’m stuck with forever. Since our split up I have dated a few guys and each time tell them I’ve got the STD’s they don’t want to have anything to do with me. If we do it carefully there shouldn’t be a problem wearing condoms, so I don’t know why they been freaking so much. I’m thinking I just shouldn’t say nothing since they probably won’t be catching anything anyway. Is this wrong or what? Otherwise I will be stuck with nobody forever.
[b]Dr Thatslife has this to say.... [/b]
Yep, it’s wrong. It’s not up to you to decide whether they should take the risk or not. I bet you know a lot less about how these diseases are transmitted than you think. You two will be merrily humping away, and a week later your boyfriend is at home pissing razor blades and looking at a prick full of puss filled blisters shouting your name, and it will all be over. Voila, you’ve fucked someone else’s life, congratulations cunt! Remember how scathingly fucking angry and foaming at the mouth you were when you found out what your husband so lovingly gave you? Is that teeth to the curb what you wish upon the people that trust you?
Don’t think for a second you’ll magically fix the issue simply by avoiding it. If he doesn’t know there is anything wrong, how do you expect him to be the other half of the equation required to prevent transmission? Ohhh, YOU’RE going to manage the situation yourself? What an ignorant fool you are. In the heat of the moment, you’ve got your legs dangling in the air and he’s ”polishing the deck”, you’re feeling oh so good… you aren’t going to reach a hand down to stop him and say ”Feels great, but you’re contracting herpes.” The moment he whips his dong out, you won’t have anything resembling self control Danielle. This isn’t commentary on you specifically, it’s just fact that people tend to lose control in the heat of the moment when everything feels ”oh so good”.
It really is selfish to just decide it’s better not to say anything. If you love and respect someone you will tell them your status, and if they love and respect you, they will most likely work with it, not run for the hills like a one night stand. Love and trust don’t flourish when deception looms, as you should have learnt from your failed marriage with a husband that fucked a cheerleading squad of women behind your back. Just remember… the guy you sleep with could be a carrier too, and perhaps HE won’t be telling YOU. Feel like adding a third incurable disease to the list? EVERYONE should get tested before jumping in the sack with someone - no exceptions.
That’s the way life goes.
Miranda, 20 from Taylorsville, Utah writes... [/b]
I got married a year ago, and within a whole year of being married I feel like I’ve been put in a corner I don’t want to be in. I feel my husband is so addicted to pornography that it’s ruining our relationship. I don’t mind him looking at porn, but he has tried to convince me time and time again to hook up sexually with other men. He tells me constantly that he wants me to go have sex with several men before I go home. It has gotten so bad that during sex he will try to make me promise that I will go hook up as soon as possible. This has made me completely not want to have sex at all ever. I’ve tried to talk to him about how bad it truly bothers me but he does not care. What do I do?
[b]Dr Thatslife has this to say.... [/b]
I think you’re confusing the issues Miranda... What does your husband wanking off to Internet porn have to do with him pimping you out to random neighborhood men? He may or may not have a porn addiction, but that is a totally separate issue to what I can only imagine to be prostitution. Whether you’re aware of it or not, odds are high he’s trying to sell your ”services” to these other men as a way to make some cashola. How else could you explain a husband lining up a bunch of drooling perverts to fuck his wife?
You need to get out of this situation, pronto. Not only is this unhealthy mentally, but the consequences of following through with his desires would belife altering, Miranda. It would profoundly affect you mentally and physically, and he doesn’t seem to give a shit. If you succumb to his requests, and hit the sack with a few men, you would become so demoralized he would literally have a chokehold on you. There wasn’t anything in your consultation about this, but I assume he’s most likely controlling and manipulative in many other ways as well.
I really hate to say it, but if you’ve been dealing with this since the beginning of your marriage, he may very well have married you in the hopes of using you for prostitution or some other similarly fucked up intention. Normal loving couples don’t eagerly persuade each other to get their brains fucked out by strangers - this is NOT a normal part of a marriage, no matter what he tells you. Even if I’m wrong and this has nothing to do with cashing in, and it’s just his jolly friends that want to fill your orifices with their cum, it’s still incredibly wrong.
You need to stand up for yourself, give him a final assertive, non-negotiable ”NO” on having sex with other men, and if he doesn’t respect your request you need to immediately start building an action plan to exit the relationship. Source friends, relatives and help groups as your support network; build a cash reserve however you can so you can be self sustaining, and so forth. You need to do this now, not a year from now when you’ve pumped out a child and built other encumbrances and ties to him that would make it more difficult for you to leave. You need to do this NOW.