A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: ”This is an amazing octopus. I’ll bet anyone in this bar that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it.”
Now none of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started wailing way, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist.
Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Dizzy Gillespie. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter.
Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.
”What? Can’t you play it?” asked the man. ”Play it?” said the octopus, ”I’m gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator
up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
”I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his
mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his
trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opened his
mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered
and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made
”I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” A hush fell over the
crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
”I’ll try,” said a small woman, ”but you have to promise not to hit me on
the head with the beer bottle.”
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street,
the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, ”Let’s go over to that bar and get something to drink.”
The guy with the Chihuahua said, ”We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The one with the Doberman said, ”Just follow my lead.” They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar.
The bouncer at the door said, ”Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.”
The man with the Doberman said, ”You don’t understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.”
The bouncer said, ”A Doberman pinscher?”
The man said, ”Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good.”
The bouncer said, ”OK then, come on in.”
The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he’d try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, ”Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”
The man with the Chihuahua said, ”You don’t understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.”
The bouncer said, ”A Chihuahua?”
The man with the Chihuahua said, ”A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua??
One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says ”if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night”.
So he says ”ok” and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.
The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says ”if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.
So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The man says ”To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him”.
A couple of drinking buddies, who are airline mechanics are in a hanger at the San Francisco airport. The runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, ”Man, have you got anything to drink?” The second guy says, ”Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, that it will kinda give you a buzz.”
So they do drink it, get smashed and have a beautiful time... as only drinking buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up figuring that his head will explode if he gets up. Nevertheless, he gets up and is surprised to find that he feels good; in fact, he feels great.... no hangover! The phone rings. It’s his buddy asking him how he feels. ”I feel great!” he says. His buddy agrees, saying, ”I feel great too! You don’t have a hangover either?” ”No,” he replies. ”That jet fuel is great stuff... no hangover. We ought to do this more often.” ”Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing.” ”What’s that?” ”Did you fart yet?” ”No.” ”Well... don’t, cause I’m in Phoenix!”