One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard. He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmer’s wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth. Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty. The woman handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk. After taking a big swig, the impulsive guest exclaimed, ”This is sweet and fresh... you are most generous!” She replied modestly, ”It’s nothing. My family wouldn’t drink that milkbecause we found a dead rat in it.” Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman clapped both hands over his mouth, allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on the stone. The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought itdown on the visitor’s head, and hollered, ”Get out, you ungrateful pig! I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk to drink... and now you repay my kindness by breaking the children’s potty!”--1+
An Englishman, a Dutchman and an Irishman walk into a bar. They
all order a beer. Three disgusting flies fly into each one of
their beers. The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust. The
surprised Dutchman simply takes out the fly and drinks the beer.
The Irishman takes out the fly, hold it over his mug and yells
”Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!”
EUROPEAN FEDERALISM: You have two cows which cost too much money to care for because everybody is buying milk imported from some cheap east-European country and would never pay the fortune you’d have to ask for your cows’ milk. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough subsidies. You then sell your milk at the former elevated price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at east-European prices to make Europe competitive. You spend the money you got as a subsidy on two new cows and then go on a demonstration to Brussels complaining that the European farm-policy is going drive you out of your job.-0+
The British have not lost their touch for hilarious slurs on
their fellow Europeans...
Are you ready to join a Federal Europe? Try this simple quiz to
determine just how European you really are...
1. Your wife has asked you to pop into Marks and Sparks to buy
her a new bra, but when you get to the cash desk you notice
there is a large queue. What do you do?
a. Take your place in line and wait patiently to be served.
b. Put the bra back on the shelf and return later when the queue
c. Barge directly to the front of the line and scream, ”Ich
leber stomph das bustenholten!”
2. You are driving around a roundabout when a car suddenly
swerves in front of you causing you to brake sharply. How do you
a. Drive on, perhaps tutting under your breath.
b. Beep your horn at the offending motorist to let him know
c. Screech to a halt diagonally across the front of the other
car, leap out and bang your fists repeatedly on his bonnet
shouting, ”Bastardo! Bastardo! Mamma Mia! Bastardo!”
3. You are walking along the pavement when a rather attractive
looking woman (or man) passes by. Do you:
a. Look away modestly, perhaps blushing slightly.
b. Smile and maybe say, ”Hello”.
c. Smear a tub of Brylcreem all over your head, pinch her bottom
then proceed to follow her around for half an hour, together
with twenty of your mates, all riding pathetic little
scooters, making a variety of crude and suggestive remarks
4. You’re busy at work when suddenly you realise it’s 12
o’clock. What do you do?
a. Have lunch, read the paper, then return to work 45 minutes
b. Ignore the time and keep working until you’ve finished the
task at hand.
c. Sit down under a tree and go to sleep for six hours.
5. You’re holidaying on a beach when you see a rather old and
weary looking donkey giving rides to children. What would you do?
a. Pay no attention. It’s a fairly common sight.
b. Pat the donkey on the head and offer it a lump of sugar.
c. Goad it with a sharp stick, then get 50 of your friends to
jump up and down on its back until it falls over and dies.
Then go to sleep for six hours.
6. You wake up in the middle of the night feeling a bit peckish.
a. Roll over and go back to sleep.
b. Pop down to the kitchen for a quick cup of tea and a biscuit.
c. Phone twenty of your friends and invite them to come round
and spend the next five hours eating snails, frogs, onions
and garlic, smoking Gitane and drinking 48 litres of wine.
7. You arrive at work first thing in the morning. What is the
first thing you do?
a. Start the day’s work straight away.
b. Sit in the loo for twenty minutes reading the paper.
c. Spend three hours shaking hands with your colleagues, hugging
them and kissing them on both cheeks as though you have not
seen them for twenty years.
8. You admire your neighbour’s lawn which is particularly well
kept. Which of the following would you do?
a. Nothing. You’re quite happy with your own patchy area of
b. Ask his advice to enable your lawn to look as good as his.
c. After promising him that you won’t, move your garden fence
onto his land making his lawn part of your garden. If he
complains, shoot him.
9. You are walking down the street when you see an old lady
being mugged by two youths. Would you:
a. Wade in without regard for your own safety and try to fight
the youths off.
b. Run to the nearest phone box to call the police.
c. Ignore the fracas completely, declare your neutrality by
waving a little white flag above your head, then scarper back
to your underground nuclear bomb shelter and try to work out
how much money you’ve made by selling vastly overpriced
timepieces and multi-purpose folding knives.
10. Your local football team has won a game. How would you
celebrate? Would you:
a. Go down the pub and have a few pints with your friends.
b. Just stay at home. You aren’t that interested in football.
c. Drive around in circles in a stupid little twenty year old
Fiat with six people on the roof, screaming Ole’ ole’ ole’
ole’ at the top of your voice waving your arms out of the
windows and honking the bloody horn all night.
Clearly if you are a true European you would have answered C to
all of the above.
This is what we really want in Europe:
1) Swiss salary.
2) Luxembourg taxes.
3) German car.
4) British home.
5) Spanish girls.
6) French wine.
7) Italian food.
8) Belgian beer.
9) Austrian mountains.
10) Danish administration.
And this is the EC’s proposal for a Europe after EMU:
1) Portuguese salary.
2) Swedish taxes.
3) Spanish car.
4) Greek home.
5) East German girls.
6) German wine.
7) British food.
8) French beer.
9) Dutch mountains.
10) Italian administration.