The Lord spoke to Noah and said, ”In six months I am going to make it rain
until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are
destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing
on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.” And, in a flash of
lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. ”OK,” Noah said,
trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, ”I’m your man.”
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in
torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and
there was no ark.
”Noah!” shouted the Lord, ”Where is My ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into
the ground right beside Noah.
”Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. ”I did my best, but there were some
big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark’s construction,
but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo
the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a
”My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by
building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a
ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists and the U. S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood
to save the owls, but they wouldn’t let me catch them, so no owls.
”Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights
group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.
”Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn’t
complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your
proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map
of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!
”Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal
Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I’m supposed to hire. The IRS
has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I
just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I
don’t think I can finish the ark in less than five years.”
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. ”You mean you are not going to
destroy the world?” he asked hopefully.
”No,” said the Lord. ”The government already has.”
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
”Of course, my son,” said the priest.
”Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
”That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
”It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors,” continued the old man.
”Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.
”Thanks, Father,” said the old man. ”That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”
”Of course, my son,” said the priest.
The old man asked, ”Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”
”Cash, check or charge?” the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
”Do you always carry your TV remote?” the cashier asked.
”No,” she replied. ”But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”
Once upon a time, there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language. )
One day, he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes) and fell madly in love with her. With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, ”My darling.” But at the end of these 2 years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5.
At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking.
Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, ”My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, ”Pardon?”
A man dies and due to his evil and sinful life, goes to hell. The devil himself meets him at the gates of hell and tells him, ”I don’t know what all you’ve heard up there, but hell isn’t all that bad a place. Let me ask you, do you like to smoke?”
The man answers, ”Yes, I do”
”Oh, good then,” the devil says, ”You’ll LOVE Mondays. Every Monday we all sit around and smoke cigarettes, cigars, pipes, try out new types of tobacco. Do you like to drink?”
The man answers, ”Yeah, sure, I like to drink.”
The devil says, ”Good, you’ll love Tuesdays, then. All we do on Tuesdays is sit around and drink beer, wine, and all kinds of different mixed drinks.”
”You’ll just love Tuesdays. Do you like to swear?”
”Sure,” says the man, ”I swear a lot.”
”Great then. You’ll love Wednesdays.”
The devil says, ”On Wednesdays, all we do is sit around and swear a lot, we try to make up new cuss words, and have a great time, you’ll just love Wednesdays.”
”Oh, by the way,” asks the devil, ”Are you gay?”
”Hell no,” the man replies, ”I hate fags!”
The devil look at him, and says, ”Then you’re gonna hate Thursdays.”