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Eye jokes


A blind man is walking down the street with his guide dog one

day. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the

high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind

man right out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by

the screech of tires as panicked drivers try desperately not to

run the pair down. Horns blaring, the blind man and the dog

finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of

the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat

pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can’t

control his amazement and says to the blind man, ”Why on earth

are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you

killed!”

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, ”To

find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass!”

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Joke #2069 posted in the category: Eye jokes.

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animals skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.

This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, ”Springbok.” Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, ”And it was shot with a. 22 rifle.”

He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, ”Kalahari Lion.” Fingering the bullet hole, he added, ”The rifle was a. 308.”

He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, ”Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didnt get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?”

His wife replied angrily, ”From me!”

”What did I do?” he asked.

She replied, ”You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, ’Skunk, killed with an ax!’ ”

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Joke #11512 posted in the category: Eye jokes.

hat Job Ads *really* Mean

”Competitive Salary”

We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

”Join our fast-paced company”

We have no time to train you.

”Casual work atmosphere”

We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

”Some overtime required”

Some every night and some every weekend.

”Duties will vary”

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

”Must have an eye for detail”

We have no quality assurance.

”Career-minded”

Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

”Apply in person”

If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told that the position has been filled.

”Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience”

You’ll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

”Problem-solving skills a must”

You’re walking into perpetual chaos.

”Requires team leadership skills”

You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

”Good communication skills”

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

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Joke #11874 posted in the category: Eye jokes.

New product

Viagra eye drops.

Makes you look hard.

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Joke #11875 posted in the category: Eye jokes.

Do you rely on your spelling Chequer?

Septic Spell Checker.

Eye halve a spelling chequer

It came with my pea sea

It plainly marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite

Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it

I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh

My chequer tolled me sew.

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Joke #11876 posted in the category: Eye jokes.

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