All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Deman
The Top Ten Ways to Tell if Martha Stewart is Stalking Your Dog:
10. There’s potpourri hanging from his/her collar.
9. The dog’s nails have been cut with pinking shears.
8. The dog’s toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.
6. The telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.
5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog’s crate.
2. Your dog goes out naked and comes in wearing a thyme-colored, virgin wool, hand-knitted sweater with matching boots.
And the NUMBER ONE way to tell if Martha Stewart is stalking your dog:
The dog droppings in the backyard have been sculpted into swans.