Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a
freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a
tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not
recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who’s used to the
procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively
irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend
carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood, which will bend under
stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his
or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the
tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if
things go wrong.
What YOU carry is a ten-foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.
Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This
is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is
looped about the tiger’s neck and acks as a giant choke chain, but the clip is
there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the
chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion, which permits the whole length
of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with
it. You practice this beforehand till you’re sure you’ve got it right.
Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the
tiger’s mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn’t a whole lot more to say
about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, outside the
cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by
this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.
This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much,
much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you’re standing next to one.
Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane
to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good
control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the
tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you
know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big
enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation.
Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you
is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is
hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to
have a sense of humor.
It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case,
the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. Wrapping the
chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away, generally
does this. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you
and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two
adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable,
whereas one will not.
It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and
turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short
term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun
but are generally not ill tempered. If they are they don’t get taken for walks.
They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that
this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn’t put it by
me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.
All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail
party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the
This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.
Well, one day we got a service call that said, ”Cat caught in machine, come quick!”
When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought ’How did I get home?’ ? As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.
The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to drunks by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices.
The beer scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.
It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger’s in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out ’How did I spend so much money?’ .
Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (unidentified drinking injuries). Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter’s navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.
Good: You’re pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets.
Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He’s a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.
Ugly: You’re in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give ”the birds and the bees” talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient’s room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.
Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, ”Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?”
The doctor inquired, ”And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?”
”Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a lightbulb.”
The doctor asks, ”If he’s your friend, don’t you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?”
”What? And work in the dark!?!”