Florida is finally re-admitted to the union.
Spotted Owl plague now threatens Western crops & livestock.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President.
50 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Nursing home event... Clinton denies Candy Striper allegations.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 ”CHAD” sells at Sotheby’s for 9. 6 million.
Ozone created by Electric Cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.
Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.
Unionized Chinese workers now making 4
, 000, 000, 000 yen an hour.
American owned businesses now returning to cheap labor in U. S. A.
White minority demands civil rights and reparations.
New California law requires that all machetes, steak knives and baseball bats be registered before January 2056.
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
(Of course, we know God is never missing, but this is a story. )
Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.
He inquires of God, ”Where have you been?”
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. ”Look, Michael, look what I’ve made.”
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, ”What is it?”
”It’s a planet,” replied God, ”and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.
”Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth, ”For example, Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Africa is going to be poor.
The Middle East over there will be a hot spot,” God continued, pointing to different countries. ”This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered with ice.”
The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a large land mass with oceans as it borders and said, ”What’s that one?”
”Ah,” said God, ”that’s Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, lakes, and climate. The people from Florida are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving people, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed, ”What about balance, God? You said there would be balance! Everyone and everything seems so totally perfect in this place you call Florida!”
God replied wisely, ”Wait until you see the idiots I’m sending down from the North every winter!”
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: We’ve been Gored by the bull of politics and we’re Bushed.
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
FLORIDA: We’re number one! Wait! Recount!
FLORIDA: If you don’t like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.
FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!
FLORIDA: What comes after 17, 311?
I’ve sure gotten old. I’ve had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But..... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!
We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation. ”If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
”For the past 30 years,” he muttered, ”they’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”