A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said ”Rest in Peace.”
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. ”Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ”Congratulations on your new location”.
A Barber commited a crime, and had to go before a judge. Since it was his first time the Judge only gave him a community service in his own field.
He must give free hair cuts for one month, and every time a customer asks how much for the hair cut, he has to explain his crime, and that this is his community service.
Anyway, he was happy, because anything beats the jail.
first day he gave a hair cut to a Florist, the florist asked, how much at the end, he replied, oh nothing....... explained the Judge’s order.
Next day when he came to open the shop, there was a bouquet of flowers and a thankyou card.
That day a person came who owned a chocolate shop, after the hair cut he too asked, how much? the barber said oh no charge because........ Judge’s order.
Next day when he came to open his shop, he saw a box of chocolate and a thankyou card, That day he gave a hair cut to an East Indian, The East Indian asked how mucH? The barber said nothing because........ Judge’s Order.
next day when he came to open the shop there was a line of East Indians waiting to get a hair cut.
I’m picturing lovely ribbons winding like candy canes down the iron
bars, and useful storage containers she’s built that glide easily below
her bunk bed in which she’ll store sheets and linens from K-Mart’s
The lone toilet will be transformed into a bouquet spilling over with
toilet paper flowers, into which a trickling cascade of water will flow
from the sink in a bird bath-like fashion, in an effort to attract sparrows
through the open bars of her window.
Once trapped in her cell, the sparrows will be slowly roasted with
matches for which Martha will have gotten by beating up her cellmate.
They will be stuffed with acorns found in the prison courtyard. I hear
it’s Martha’s intention to collect enough birds to offer a Thanksgiving
feast to all those who continue to subscribe to her magazine, even
while in prison, although she has asked that each of them commit
to a year of service as part of her newly appointed staff.
I believe she plans to save all the rolls from her dinner tray to build a
decorative wall between her bed and that of her cellmate, as Sam
Waksal’s taste clashes wildly with hers.
Her future plans include melting down the gold she plans to collect
from the teeth of other inmates, with which she will guild invitations
to her own escape. With a spoon she has forged into the shape of a
melon baller, Martha plans to scoop out marble-sized bits of her cell
floor until she has made it safely under the prison walls to freedom.
Any prison guards in pursuit will lose their footing immediately on the
thousands of marbles she plans to leave in her wake, each one
As a parting gesture, Martha plans to moon the prison. Tattooed on
her cheeks is written: ”It’s a good thing.”
Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.
The first woman said, ”My husband is a psychologist, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that.”
The second woman proclaimed, ”My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but really tunes my engine; I like that!”
The third woman replied, ”Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it’s going to be, when I finally get it...”
10. Cats’ facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
And the number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN