A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm.
He dropped down into a pasture of cows. Looking for a place to land, he came down right on top of a big cow pie. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird, and ate it
There are three morals to this story:
1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut.
A PARABLE ABOUT SCHEDULES, CYCLE TIMES, AND SHAPING NEW BEHAVIORS:
Once upon a time, there lived a man named Clarence who had a pet frog named Felix. Clarence lived a modestly comfortable existence on what he earned working at the Wal-Mart, but he always dreamed of being rich.
”Felix!” he exclaimed one day, ”We’re going to be rich! I’m going to teach you how to fly!”
Felix, of course, was terrified at the prospect: ”I can’t fly, you idiot......
I’m a frog, not a canary!”
Clarence, disappointed at the initial reaction, told Felix: ”That negative attitude of yours could be a real problem. I’m sending you to class.”
So Felix went to a three day class and learned about problem solving, time management, and effective communication.... but nothing about flying.
On the first day of ”flying lessons”, Clarence could barely control his excitement (and Felix could barely control his bladder). Clarence explained that their apartment had 15 floors, and each day Felix would jump out of a window starting with the first floor eventually getting to the top floor.
After each jump, Felix would analyze how well he flew, isolate on the most effective flying techniques, and implement the improved process for the next flight. By the time they reached the top floor, Felix would surely be able to fly.
Felix pleaded for his life, but it fell on deaf ears. ”He just doesn’t understand how important this is...” thought Clarence, ”but I won’t let nay-sayers get in my way.”
So, with that, Clarence opened the window and threw Felix out (who landed with a thud).
Next day (poised for his second flying lesson) Felix again begged not to be thrown out of the window. With that, Clarence opened his pocket guide to Managing More Effectively and showed Felix the part about how one must always expect resistance when implementing new programs.
And with that, he threw Felix out the window. (THUD)
On the third day (at the third floor) Felix tried a different ploy: stalling, he asked for a delay in the ”project” until better weather would make flying conditions more favorable.
But Clarence was ready for him: he produced a timeline and pointed to the third milestone and asked, ”You don’t want to slip the schedule do you?”
From his training, Felix knew that not jumping today would mean that he would have to jump TWICE tomorrow.... so he just said: ”OK. Let’s go.” And out the window he went.
Now this is not to say that Felix wasn’t trying his best. On the fifth day he flapped his feet madly in a vain attempt to fly. On the sixth day he tied a small red cape around his neck and tried to think ”Superman” thoughts.
But try as he might, he couldn’t fly.
By the seventh day, Felix (accepting his fate) no longer begged for mercy.... he simply looked at Clarence and said: ”You know you’re killing me, don’t you?”
Clarence pointed out that Felix’s performance so far had been less than exemplary, failing to meet any of the milestone goals he had set for him.
With that, Felix said quietly: ”Shut up and open the window,” and he leaped out, taking careful aim on the large jagged rock by the corner of the building.
And Felix went to that great lily pad in the sky.
Clarence was extremely upset, as his project had failed to meet a single goal that he set out to accomplish. Felix had not only failed to fly, he didn’t even learn how to steer his flight as he fell like a sack of cement.... nor did he improve his productivity when Clarence had told him to ”Fall smarter, not harder.”
The only thing left for Clarence to do was to analyze the process and try to determine where it had gone wrong.
After much thought, Clarence smiled and said:
”Next time...... I’m getting a smarter frog!”
p. s. Don’t you think Clarence should have noticed the frog could TALK???
A guy has a horny parrot. It’s terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm.
He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.
The vet examines the bird extensively, says, ”Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine.”
The guy’s parrot is listening and says, ”Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for??”
Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars.
The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, ”Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!” Feathers come flying out of the cage.
The vet says, ”Holy gee,” and runs across the room and opens the curtain.
The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage, pulling out all her feathers.
The vet screams, ”what are you doing to my poor parrot?”
The male parrot replies, ”for fifteen bucks, I want her naked!”
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over
Arizona on a clear day,
the co-pilot was providing his passengers with
a running commentary
about landmarks over the PA
”Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a
major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of
nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300, 000
tons, struck the earth at about 40, 000 miles an hour, scattering
debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures
nearly a mile
across and is 570 feet deep.”
From the cabin, a
passenger was heard to exclaim, ”Wow! It just missed
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, ”If big dogs
have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big airplanes have baby airplanes?”
The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant. The flight attendant, who was
very busy at the time, smiled and said, ”Did your Mom tell you to ask me?”
The boy said, ”Yes she did.”
”Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest
always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.”