The three bears had been having some trouble recently and ended up in family court. Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents.
When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said ”No, I can’t live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly.”
”Okay,” said the judge, ”Then you want to live with your mother, right?”
”No way!” replied baby bear, ”She beats me worse than Poppa bear does.”
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn’t quite know what to do. ”Well, you have to live with someone, so are there any relatives you would like to stay with?”
”Yes,” answered baby bear, ”my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago.”
You’re sure she will treat you well and won’t beat you?” asked the judge.
”Oh certainly,” said baby bear, ”The Chicago Bears don’t beat anybody.”
... Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an un-sportsman-like manner at a recent football game. ”I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents.”
”Ahhh, that’s a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin’” the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.
”That’s not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents.”
”Saints preserve us!” the priest said, making another chalk mark.
”There’s more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team’s players in the in a sensitive area.”
”Oh, goodness me!” the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. ”Who in the world were we playin’ when you did these awful things?”
”Ah, well,” said the priest, wiping his sleeve, ”boys will be boys.”
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, ”What is your IQ?” to which the man answers ”241.” ”That is
wonderful!” says Albert. ”We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!”
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, ”What is your IQ?” to which the lady answers, ”144.” ”That is great!” says Albert. ”We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!”
Albert then goes to another person and asks, ”What is your IQ?” to which the man answers, ”51.” Albert ponders this for a moment, and then says, ”GO REDSKINS!”
A guy walks into a restaurant, orders a drink, and asks the waiter if he’d like to hear a good Notre Dame joke.
”Listen buddy,” he growled. ”See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame’s all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?”
”Nah, guess not,” the man replied. ”I wouldn’t want to have to explain it 5 times.”
... A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.
He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.
The man replied, ”No.”
Amazed the young man asked, ”How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older gentleman responded, ”That’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away.”
”Oh, how sad,” the man said. ”I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
”No,” the man said, ”They’re all at the funeral.”