Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, ”T-square, do your stuff!” . T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, ”Slide Rule, do your stuff!” . Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, ”Measure, do your stuff!” . Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, ”What can your dog do?” . The Government Worker called to his dog and said, ”Coffee Break, do your stuff!” . Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker’s Compensation and went home on sick leave.-0+
A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor, opening his eyes he sees
Claudia Schiffer on the bed next to him. He thinks this is a little odd, as he
doesn’t remember a thing, let alone going to bed with her. He decides to get up
and get himself a drink from the fridge. He gets to the fridge and opens the
door and is faced with a large suitcase. He takes the suitcase out of the
fridge, puts it on the table and opens it to find $1 Million. This is just a
little too much for the guy who thinks he is losing his mind. He wonders if he
is hallucinating, so he goes to the window and draws back the blind. Outside on
his front lawn is the Klu Klux Klan and dangling from the tree is an open noose,
empty. They appear to be beckoning him and shouting.
Now the guy is really freaked out, he quickly draws the blind and turns
In the corner of his kitchen is a leprechaun, obviously drunk as well.
He asks the leprechaun what is going on.
”Well,” says the leprechaun, ”I was drunk last night as well, and as I was
crossing the road, I was nearly run down. You ran across the road and pushed me
to safety, so I granted you three wishes in return for saving me.”
”Well, I can guess the first one” says the guy, ”Supermodel, bed, yeah I got
that one. What about the other two?”
”The money in the fridge?” says the leprechaun, ”You asked for a cool
”And them out there?” asks the guy,
”You said you wanted to be hung like a black man.”
* Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast-food bags out of the back seat of your car.
* Your reason for not staying in better touch with your family is that they don’t have E-mail addresses.
* Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN’s homepage to your bookmarks.
* You have a ”to do” list that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks --and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
* You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
* Standard pick-up lines now include references to liquid assets and capital gains.
* You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
* You refer to your dining room table as ”the flat filing cabinet.”
* Your idea of being organized is multiple colored sticky notes.
* Your grocery list has been on the front of your fridge so long some of the products don’t even exist any longer.
* You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on how to improve their production and marketing processes.
* You get all excited when it’s Saturday -- and that just means you can wear your sweats to work.
* You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as ”deliverables.”
* You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what it is you do for a living.
* You typically eat out of vending machines, and at the most expensive restaurant in the city, within the same week.
* You think that ”progressing an action plan” and ”calendarizing a project” are standard and acceptable English phrases.
* You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next-door neighbors.
* You ask your friends to, ”think out of the box” when making Friday night plans.
* You think Einstein would have been more effective if he put his ideas into matrix.
* You think a ”half day” means leaving at 5 o’clock.
* You hear most of your jokes via E-mail instead of in person.
You’re getting old when...
A, Your potted plants stay alive.
b. Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.
c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
d. 6: 00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as ’dressed up.’
j. You’re the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
l. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
n. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s.
o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p. m.
q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
s. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
t. A $4. 00 bottle of wine is no longer ’pretty good stuff’.
u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ding Dongs.
w. ’I just can’t drink the way I used to’ replaces ’I’m never going to drink that much again.’
x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
y. You don’t drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn’t apply to you.
A woman went into a pet shop and said to the man, ”I want a parrot, but sell me one that definitely talks.”
The man sold her a parrot, saying, ”This one definitely talks.”
The woman took him home, set his cage up on a table, and said to the parrot, ”Okay, talk.”
The parrot said, ”Show me your tits.”
The woman was outraged. So she put him in the refrigerator. After a while, she took him out and said, ”So talk.”
Again, the parrot said, ”Show me your tits.”
To show the parrot his place, she put him in the fridge for a longer time, but still the same thing happened. She was quite annoyed. This time she put him in the freezer.
There was a turkey in the freezer. The parrot said to the turkey, ”How did you get here? Did you ask for a blowjob?”