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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ”Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, ”No ma’am, they’re dead.”

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Joke #863 posted in the category: Funny Lists jokes.

[b]How to hug a baby? [/b]

[b]1st STEP: [/b]Locate a baby and observe him from your location.

[b]2nd STEP: [/b]Be sure that the object you spied was indeed a baby, by employing classic sniffing techniques. If you smell baby powder and the wonderful aroma of wet diapers, this is, indeed, a baby.

[b]3rd STEP: [/b]Next you will need to flatten the baby before actually beginning the hugging process.

**Note: The added slobber should help in future steps by making the ”paw slide” easier.

[b]4th STEP: [/b]The ”paw slide” - Simply slide paws around baby and prepare for possible close-up.

[b]5th STEP: [/b]Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute the difficult and patented ”hug, smile, and lean” so as to achieve the best photo quality.

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Joke #1631 posted in the category: Funny Lists jokes.

JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the ”other side.” That’s what ”they” call it: the ”other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like ”the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

KEN STARR:

I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president’s ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers. )

PAT BUCHANAN:

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road?

Did he cross it with a toad?

Yes!

The chicken crossed the road,

But why it crossed,

I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. :

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:

In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:

It is in the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX:

It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:

What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:

I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:

The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the ”black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE:

And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, ”Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS:

I missed one?

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Joke #3304 posted in the category: Funny Lists jokes.

YODA: Crossing the road makes not a chicken great.

VADER: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

LUKE: Crossing the road is one thing, this is.... totally different.

LUKE: I want to follow the ways of the chicken and cross the road like my father.

LEIA: I don’t know... but I have a bad feeling about this.

HAN: Hurry up, colonel sanders, or you’re gonna be a permanent resident!

THREEPIO: I am fluent in over six million ways of crossing the road.

ARTOO: beep beep be bop.

CHEWIE: Gwrrroooooaaaarrrrrrlllllll!

BEN: Cross the road, chicken. Let go, chicken. Chicken - trust me.

BOBA FETT: What if the chicken doesn’t survive? He’s worth a lot to me!

WEDGE: My scope shows the other side but it looks really far, are you sure you can cross it?

JERJERROD: The chicken is crossing the road? We shall double our efforts.

BIB: Die chicken wanga?

BIGGS: At that speed, will you be able to cross in time?

TARKIN: The regional governors now have direct control over their chickens. Fear will keep those chickens in line... fear of getting hit by a car!

UNCLE OWEN: I told you to forget it. You’re only concern is to cross that road.

AUNT BERU: He can’t stay here forever. Most of his friends have already crossed. It means so much to him.

ADMIRAL ACKBAR: All chickens - prepare to cross the road on my mark

LANDO: Why you slimy, no good, double-crossing chicken!! You got a lot of guts crossing that road, after what you pulled!

EMPEROR: Young fool. Only now, after getting hit by a car do you understand.

JABBA: Bo shuda chicken!

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Joke #3306 posted in the category: Funny Lists jokes.

NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like... chicken.

Microsoft Chicken (TM): It’s already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

OOP Chicken: It doesn’t need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road...

C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn’t have to cross the road, you’d simply refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken: USHighways! TheRoad. cross (aChicken)

Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)

Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Newton Chicken: Can’t cluck, can’t fly, and can’t lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!

Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don’t dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.

Lotus Chicken: Don’t you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!

Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there’s no way to tell it to.

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Joke #3474 posted in the category: Funny Lists jokes.

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